Part Two: The Chocolate Wars

Chapter Two: The Chocolate Ring


'Silent, are you alright?' a light voice asked.
'Yeah, I'm fine. Are you?' Silent answered, standing up groggily from the seat and shaking broken glass from his body.
'Yeah, I think so. A little bruised, but nothing broken,' Sarah replied, pushing a broken seat off her, 'What about Jamsie?'
'I'm ok,' he said, leaning in to help her up, 'Got a cut on my cheek but it's not bad.'
'Timmy?' Silent called out, smoke billowing from the wrecked craft. He could see the creature's leg but little else as a chair had fallen onto Timmy in the crash, 'Shit. Get him out quickly!'
Sarah ran over, pulling the chair off the little mutant. He lay peacefully beneath it, a dreadful black bruise on his forehead. Silent lifted him up, carrying him outside and laying him on the soft grass.
'Is he alive?' Sarah asked, a little teary-eyed.
'Who cares?' Jamsie replied. Sarah shot him a glare.
'Yes, he's alive. His pulse is slow.' Silent answered.
'What is this place?' Jamsie asked, staring around.
The ground was strange. It smelt sweet, like sugar. The earth was cold and sometimes sticky and it varied in colour from beige, brown and a dark brown colour. Tufts of sugary grass sprouted from the ground here and there. Large trees made of the same material as the earth with leaves of sugar dotted the surrounding hillside.
The life boat had crashed on a cliff edge near a brown waterfall running off the edge down into a huge ocean the same colour of the water. It smelt divine and very familiar.
'Silent. I think this place is made out of chocolate?!' Sarah mused.
Silent knelt down, twisting his knife in hand before driving it into the earth and dislodging a bit of it. Taking it in hand, he sniffed it. The smell of sugar and cocoa filled his olfactory system and he took a bite. The sweet taste flooded through his body and he staggered slightly.
'Wow... We're on a ring made out of chocolate!' he yelled, excitedly. Sarah and Jamsie laughed, each helping themselves to a clump of earth.
Timmy's eyes flickered open. His nostrils sniffed once, then twice as he looked up at the pale blue sky. Suddenly, he sat bolt upright and shrieked, 'Chocolate!!!'
His eyes watered with tears as a great beaming smile shot across his face, all thoughts of pain vanished. Staring around, he caught sight of the joyous faces of his friends and cried, 'I'm in heaven!'
'Not quite Timmy,' Sarah replied, hugging him, 'You're not dead yet.'
'You mean... this is real?!'
'As real as it gets.' Silent answered, he frowned suddenly, his ears picking up a sound. He turned to the others seriously. 'Hide. Hide now.'
They rushed for the cover of trees and the life boat as a large, T-shaped spacecraft descended towards them. The ship was red in colour, with bright green engines and a pair of heavy laser carbines swiveled around on the prow.
The craft hovered above them and Silent heard Sarah whisper, 'They know we're here.'
Suddenly, the long bar of the ship's body opened on either side and a host of lemmings leapt down, led by a pair of Russiians in their blue armour.
Jamsie was about to fire when Silent moved to his side, whispering, 'Wait,' in his ear. The enemy were closing in. Silent skipped around their flank, Timmy caught a glimpse of him standing behind their units.
Silent looked up at the transport in front of him, watching the swivel gun. As the gun passed by his hiding place behind a large boulder, he leapt forwards, pulling out C4 as he did. Hurriedly, he charged at the craft, slamming the explosives just behind the gun and jumping aside as the device activated.
The explosion was deafening, the blast wave sending Silent crashing into the rock before him, yet the job was done, the front of the ship reduced to a ragged mess of burnt and torn metal. The craft nose-dived, sliding down the cliff and erupting on the rocks below.
By this time, Silent was already up and active, pistols eviscerating the rear rows of the Conglomerate as Sarah and Jamsie opened up at the front.
Timmy drew his own pistol, taking aim and firing. The bullet missed his target, a lemming firing a bow and arrow into the sky. Instead, the round found its mark on Silent's leg armour and it pinged off harmlessly.
'Sorry!' Timmy called out.
Jamsie charged towards the nearest Russiian, unloading his Tommy gun into the head of the traitor. The man fell dead as the rounds punctured the carapace helmet and ruptured his skull.
The other Russiian smiled as Timmy’s gun clicked empty right in front of him. His hand wavered as he pressed down on the trigger of his carbine and the creature winced, ready for the shot to end his life. The shot never came and Timmy opened his eyes to see the soldier lifted off his feet with Silent’s claw-like gauntlet impaled in his chest.
Silent kicked off the body with disgust and looked around at the devastation. The Conglomerate units were dead and much of the chocolate paradise had melted in the heated conflict. He looked up, seeing a pair of alien ships, single fighters that were bone-like in structure, called Screechers. The fighters were red, like the transport and descended from the sky towards them.
The group turned and ran, charging across a narrow walkway of chocolate that led like a bridge to the opposite bank of the river. The screechers swooped after them, firing hot laser splashes that melted the walkway.
Silent turned and fired, his rounds punching through the glass-like cockpit of the first fighter, killing the pilot and sending the craft plummeting towards the cliff where it erupted in a fireball, melting the rough chocolate as it fell.
Sarah rolled behind a bush, unstrapping her sniper rifle as she did. Quick as a flash, she was ready and fired, the second screecher crashing down as Silent dived out of the way of the exploding wreckage.
‘Nice shot... reminds me of when you got me.’ he smirked.
‘Yeah? Which time, the first, second or third?’ Sarah laughed.
‘Never mind,’ he grumbled, masking his laughter.
‘Hey, you guys hear that?’ Jamsie asked. They went silent and then it became clearer; the sound of gunfire, engines... and the rev of a chainsaw. Just over the hill canyon to their left.
Sarah glanced at Silent with a grin, ‘Is that?’
‘I think it could be,’ he smiled, ‘Let’s go and find out.’
They dashed up the hillside, slaughtering the small groups of patrol lemmings as they went. They climbed a hard rock face of chocolate, a few metres tall until they turned the corner to an amazing sight. There was an open plain of rolling sugar land. The area was covered in trees, almost like a small forest which eventually dipped downwards to a huge underground tunnel, it seemed man-made, having been constructed from metal.
A large, dull metal structure rested just down the hill from them, it was like a factory, blocky, but with no windows or visible entrances other than a pair of causeways leading to the roof where there was a massive pillar firing a beam of chocolate up into space.
It was here that a battle was unfolding, Silent could see the crashed remains of a life boat at the base of the structure. Around it were about ten or eleven UN soldiers blasting at a sporadic and spread out horde of approaching lemmings armed with everything from shovels to light lasers.
At the centre, a pair of dead Russiians at his feet, stood Johnny Saw, his every hack and slash knelling the death of another foe. His chainsaws were drenched in blood and confetti and he hurled himself at the enemy in primal fury.
A pair of Conglomerate dropships touched down on either side of the building, disgorging a host of lemmings, Russiians and... some small, humanoid creatures with pitchforks and bows.
'Halflings joined the Conglomerate too!' exclaimed Silent.
'It appears so,' Jamsie replied, his Tommy gun raking through a group of fleeing lemmings.
They marched up to Johnny, who had ordered the men up onto the structure to better hold off the enemy.
'Where the hell have you lot been!' he roared, 'Never mind, don't tell me, just kill these bastards!'
Leaping from the building, he landed with a tumultuous crash onto a screaming lemming, who was crushed to a pulp by the tremendous force. Silent opened fire, scything down a pair of lemmings as a halfling arrow hit him in the shoulder, knocking him over.
He grabbed at the sliver of wood, ripping it out with a small spurt of blood. The injury wasn’t bad, but the halflings were damn good shots. Another arrow swooped his way and Sarah shot it out of the air, before planting a round into the little man who fired it.
A grenade went off behind them, blowing a UN soldier off his feet as a trio of Russiians charged up the stairs, each carried a short laser pistol and a long, energy wreathed sword.
Sarah leapt in to engage, shooting the first through the legs and knocking him down with a sickening crunch as the round blew one of his legs clean off. She ran to him, hurriedly finishing him with a slash of her katana through the neck.
Silent ran up beside her, both wrist blades flicking out in a challenge to the large Russiian opposite him. The man smiled, readying his weapon as Silent lunged forwards, parrying aside the blade with ease and spinning to drive his other glove into his foe's back. The Russiian cried out and collapsed as his spinal cord snapped.
Suddenly outnumbered, the final Russiian turned to run but was shot in the knee and cut down by Sarah before the thought had left his mind.
'That's a bit unfair don't you think?' Silent smiled at her, 'We should at least give them a chance.'
'All's fair in love and war sweetie,' she smiled, with a wink.
He laughed, heading back to bolster the frontal defences which was being assaulted with a ferocious hail of gun and bow fire. One UN marine got an arrow through the chest and was catapulted backwards and off the other side of the structure.
Timmy hid behind a low wall, occasionally peering out to look at the enemy. The lemmings were strange little things, their blue dressing gown-like clothes trailed so low that their feet were not visible. They had a bizarre variety of equipment, ranging from simple bows and arrows to huge laser guns and even flamethrowers.
A harpoon blasted through the tough metal beside him and Timmy dived to the side as the lemmings raised a ladder using the harpoon as an anchor. Jamsie stood at the top of the ladder as the Conglomerate began to climb, unleashing a hail of armour piercing rounds into the vulnerable lemmings.
Johnny charged up into the fray, an arrow stuck hard in his arm, he swung his chainsaws roughly, decapitating a pair of halflings in brutal fashion.
The enemy were soon in retreat, fleeing into the trees as a low hum of a gunship began to fill the valley. A large, white and brown painted LAAT thundered down, carrying a tough, armoured car with a mounted gun on its hull.
‘Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen,’ a familiar voice spoke, ‘Please prepare to board the Light Aerial Assault Toffee Thunderbird, courtesy of Columbo del Monko.’
‘Jeevsie!’ smiled Jamsie, staring into the glass cockpit of the craft where Jeevsie was sitting resplendent in his tuxedo, a pair of creatures in jump suits and flight helmets beside him.
The creatures were about two foot tall, with orange skin and green hair. Silent still wasn’t sure what to make of them yet, having only been introduced to them a month ago. They were called Oompa-Loompas and nobody was quite sure where they had come from, well... nobody except Columbo del Monko, their lord and master.
‘Get the men to this location!’ Jeevsie yelled, ‘I saw a couple more lifeboats hit down over the ridge there!’
He pointed to the east, just passed the underground tunnel through the mountains.
‘Alright, send down the warpig. I’ll gather the men!’ Silent yelled back as the UN troops entered the gunship for transport.
Jeevsie nodded, dispatching the vehicle. A small Oompa sat in the turret on the back, wearing black combat armour and a pair of flak ballistic goggles.
Silent got into the driver’s seat and Jamsie leapt in the seat beside him, yelling, ‘Shotgun!’
Sarah slumped as she got on the LAAT with Timmy.
Silent threw her a smile, ‘He did call shotgun. You can go with me next time.’
‘Alright,’ she laughed, ‘You take care of yourselves.’
‘We will,’ Silent replied, blowing her a kiss, ‘You take care too.’
Johnny was the last to board, he turned, saluting Silent and Jamsie briskly, ‘Give ‘em hell!’
They returned the salute briskly as the gunship took off, heading for the command centre that Obeseman was rumoured to be setting up.

Silent drove the vehicle down into the white chocolate valley towards the huge tunnel, he yelled back to the Oompa-Loompa as the wind lashed around them, ‘Any word from Captain Lochs?’
‘No word sir, we intercepted a transmission, he may have been captured by the enemy!’ the creature replied in a voice too deep for its’ stature.
‘Captured?’ Jamsie replied, ‘Damn!’
'We'll look into getting him freed once we gather the soldiers.' Silent replied as they turned in towards the tunnel, 'What the hell is this place?'
The tunnel was massive, easily big enough to fit an LAAT. The structure was made out of the same rough metal as the building upon which they were fighting earlier and it paved the walls, ceiling and floor in equal thickness. It was built in a rough, geometric style with sharp edges and unexpected turns. It was difficult to traverse the maze but Silent eventually got the warpig deeper and deeper underground, which seemed to be the only direction the tunnel was going.
At last, the tunnel ended and the warpig advanced cautiously into a huge cavern with a pair of large platforms, again built from rough metal. The platforms had strange tumescent symbols along the ground and Silent could see the natural chocolate walls and ceiling far above.
The platform that they were on stretched for about two hundred metres in each direction, three sides landlocked, connecting with the walls and tunnel entrance they had come through. The last side merely faced a huge drop about a kilometre into the chocolate ravine below.
There was a gap of roughly three hundred metres between their platform and the other one, which was identically the same as theirs, with the exit tunnel on its’ side. Yet the gap was too big to jump.
Silent saw all of this within a couple of seconds but he did not fail to also notice the guards, a host of lemmings and halflings, who sprang out from behind the odd, monolithic style pillars that dotted the platforms.
Stopping the warpig, he leapt out, spraying rifle fire into the enemy whilst simultaneously yelling, ‘Open fire!!’
The Oompa Loompa in the turret swiveled the gun around to face the enemy and fired, thick stubber rounds blowing away the lemmings in their droves.
Silent looked around as he barrel-charged into a group of shaking enemies, knocking them aside as he noticed a small causeway leading up into the cave wall.
Jamsie threw his grenade with precision, taking out a whole unit of Conglomerates before they had a chance to return fire.
A lemming leapt into the air, firing a rappel gun up into the sky. The rappel stuck hard and he swung towards Jamsie, fencing sword in hand. He leapt off the rope onto the man’s back, knocking him to the hard floor.
Jamsie turned in anger, picking up the creature, yet the lemming was no slouch and a flurry of quick slashes to Jamsie’s hand ensured his escape. The lemming landed in a perfect crouch, sword in hand.
Jamsie stood back up, ready to do battle. The moment of tension was short lived as the gun turret spun around, riddling the lemming without more than a second’s pause.
The other Conglomerate forces retreated behind the pillars, unwilling to risk another open attack. Jamsie and the Oompa Loompa blasted the area around the pillars apart, forcing the Conglomerate to abandon their positions or be cut down.
’Where the hell is Silent?’ Jamsie yelled.
Silent sprinted up the causeway, ducking under a lunging pickaxe of a blue-armoured Russiian, slapping a grenade to his back and kicking him off the causeway. Silent continued to his left down a small corridor as the explosion echoed through the cavern.
A tall, brutish Russiian stood in his path, this time wearing red armour and raising his carbine to fire. Silent didn’t give him the chance, kneeing him in the gut and putting a bullet through his head.
He looked around, the corridor ended in a drop, there was no continuation to the other side - as he had hoped. Looking to his left, he saw something shimmer. Stepping closer, he saw a large control panel, seemingly holographic. It was covered in strange symbols much like the ones on the pillars below.
Suddenly, his comm. unit in his ear flickered on.
’Silent, what’s going on? Where are you?’ It was Sarah.
’Underground, having a little party with the Conglomerate. Where are you?’ he answered.
’At HQ. Or at least, a place that could be called HQ. Dopeman’s here, apparently he took down a Conglomerate flagship.’
’That’s pretty cool. I suppose if anyone could do it, he could. Any sign of Captain Lochs?’
She sighed, ’I’m afraid Dopeman’s confirmed it. He was captured by the Conglomerate, shortly after the Statue of Spring crash-landed.’
’Damn, we’ll have to work on getting him out. Anyway, I’m in a bit of trouble here as it is.’
’What’s up?’
‘I have to get across a mile long gap. There’s some sort of control panel, but I can’t read it.’
‘Have you tried touching it? You never know what could happen.’
‘I’ll try now,’ he smiled, thinking how stupid he’d look, putting his hand through a hologram.
Nothing could have surprised him more than when he touched it to see the screen reconfigure to English.
Human DNA detected
The whole screen spun, transforming into a large red touch screen button.
PUSH BUTTON!
Silent stepped back, ‘Sarah? What would you do if a strange alien console recognised you as human, turned into a big button and told you to push it?’
‘Ah... Try pushing it I suppose. No other way is there?’
‘I suppose not,’ he sighed, ‘Here goes nothing.’
He pushed the button. The whole screen went from red to green. The cavern began to glow and a huge holographic green bridge appeared between the two platforms.
Jamsie stared at the holograph, dead Conglomerate all around him, ‘What the hell is that?’
The Oompa Loompa shrugged as Silent leapt down to them.
‘Off we go then,’ he smiled, jumping into the driver’s seat. Jamsie climbed in beside him, looking uneasy.
‘What d’you mean?’ he asked, wide-eyed, ‘Where are we going?’
‘Across the bridge,’ Silent replied, matter-of-factly.
‘What?’ Jamsie replied sternly, as the warpig turned towards the hologram.
Silent smiled as the vehicle sped up. The Oompa Loompa stared on calmly, Jamsie panicked and started to shout.
Silent kept on going until they were off the edge of the platform. Everything went weightless. Jamsie’s protests turned to cries of disbelief as he realised they were still driving forwards and not falling.
‘Oh my God!’ he yelled, ‘What the fuck?!’
Silent laughed as they reached the end of the bridge and onto the other platform. He pressed down on the breaks and the vehicle stopped.
They sat there in silence for a few seconds before busting into laughter.
‘Woohoo!’ Jamsie yelled, ‘That was awesome!’
‘Let’s kick some ass!’ Silent smirked as they sped off up the next ramp.
The natural light almost blinded them as they made it back to the surface. The chocolate ground churned up under the wheels of the warpig. A vast stream of liquid chocolate split the valley they had entered in two, each end culminating in a large waterfall. They were proceeding uphill, passed large dark chocolate rocks and sugar trees.
‘I don’t get it Silent, shouldn’t all this chocolate melt? If not from the sun, then why not from weapons fire and explosions?’ Jamsie asked, confused.
‘Alien structure, alien chocolate. I guess it just doesn’t act like our chocolate. Mind you, Columbo’s chocolate isn’t exactly normal either.’ Silent answered.
At the mention of his master’s name the Oompa Loompa saluted, ‘The mighty Lord Columbo has many great powers sir!’
Silent grinned, ‘Indeed.’

Killing the Conglomerate posted in the valley was an easy job. Out in the open, they had no protection from the turret. Killing them in the narrow alcoves between the valleys was more difficult. The sheer amount of rock cover meant it took them a few minutes to dislodge even one lemming.
Eventually though, they made it to the first life boat landing, spotting a pair of dead UN marines by the crashed pod, they expected the worst. That is... until they heard gunfire up on the vast rocks to their left.
Leaving the Oompa Loompa in the turret, Silent and Jamsie went to investigate, soon finding themselves embroiled in a maze of chocolate rocks.
A large Conglomerate force of Russiians, lemmings and halflings filled the maze, slowly surrounding the two humans. Darting through the rocks, they fired sporadically as laser blasts and shrapnel burst, dodging, rolling and diving behind cover as they went.
Instantaneously, a hail of bullets littered the area behind them, putting down any visible Conglomerate units. Silent looked up to see a UN fireteam of ten marines, each armed with assault rifles along with someone he recognised in an instant.
The man was tall, holding a large 50. cal. sniper rifle in his hands. His hair was jet black, his eyes half tired, half darting in anticipation. His black armoured chest was covered by two sashes filled to the brim with toothpicks. He wore thick black greaves and a pair of heavy black boots. A large red cape hung from his shoulders, fluttering dynamically in a breeze that wasn’t there. A silver toothpick sat on his shoulder. He grinned, ‘Hey guys!’
‘Jesus Christ Dopeman, where the hell have you been?!’ Jamsie yelled.
‘Busy.’
‘What d’you mean busy?’
‘Well... busy. I destroyed a capital ship, give me some credit.’
‘Yeah? Probably just made it up.’
‘Yeah? Would I lie?...’ he smirked, ‘Who am I kidding of course I would!’
‘So, what have you been doing? You disappeared for a week on the journey!’ Silent asked.
‘I was going to the toilet.’
‘The toilet’s just down the hall!’
‘It’s a big universe.’
‘But -’
‘It’s a big universe.’
Silent stared at him, exasperated. Then he laughed, ‘You really are one-of-a-kind Dopeman.’
‘Of course I am! Who else has a name that kills people when they say it?!’ he exclaimed. Suddenly, he went serious, ‘Did Timmy survive?’
‘Yeah,’ Silent replied, uneasily.
‘Damn it!’ Dopeman roared.

Somewhere in the Warhammer 40,000 galaxy, the Eye of Terror burst into reality.

‘Anyway...’ Dopeman smiled, ‘Moving on. I’ve saved the other UN life boats so I’d say your job is done. Off we go to base camp.’
With a click of his fingers, they vanished.

Chapter Four: The Loud Satnav


‘Hold on just one second Captain...’ Dopeman frowned, ‘This ring is what?’
‘The Conglomerate called it a weapon, they believe it will change their chances in the war. They said whoever controls the ring, controls the fate of the war.’ Lochs answered cautiously.
‘If this is a weapon, which I very much doubt. That means it must have some sort of control centre, maybe a fire button, y’know, some sort of Kill the Universe button!’ Dopeman laughed. ‘Seriously though, this a ring made up of chocolate, what use could this be as a weapon?’
‘Well, as much as you may not believe it, the Conglomerate did say something about a control room,’ Lochs smirked.
Dopeman’s jaw dropped. ‘Even so, come on, they’re a bunch of religious loonies, they’d believe it if you said a dog was the messiah... or they’d crucify the dog, really depends on their angle...’
Obeseman coughed, ‘Dopeman... you’re rambling.’
Dopeman smiled, ‘So I am! Moving on... What did they say Captain?’
‘Well, they said that they were searching in the east coast of where the Lie and Unforgiveness was for something called a Loud Satnav. I have no idea what that is, but I think it may have something to do with the location of the control room, the Conglomerate did seem to think it was very important.’
‘Well, that’s something I suppose. Off to the east coast then. Maybe with the Oompas this time, test their mettle. These marines just seem too few in number to waste the way we’ve been using them.’ Dopeman smirked, ‘Time to get our dear friend Silent out to battle again.’
‘Alright then, as if that doesn’t happen enough,’ Silent smirked, ‘Just let me take some decent troops too.’
Two hours later a pair of LAATs were heading for the east coast, the sea bristling beneath their strong turbine engines. Silent spared another glance inside the carrier section. Twenty Oompas sat there, their short burst rifles set across their laps. Among them were Sarah and Obeseman. Staring across the vast ocean before him, he saw the other dropship alongside, it carried a pair of warpigs and another ten Oompas.
Jamsie remained behind in the care of what medical supplies they had, too weak to fight for now. Timmy also stayed, too scared to move. Johnny was content to feast upon the mounting dead of his foes and Dopeman was well... Dopeman...
The long stretch of sand swept from the tall mountains of the small island out to almost a mile of sea. The mountain itself was almost like a half organic half built in structure. That was where the Loud Satnav was believed to be found.
Streaks of laser fire met the LAATs as they closed on the island. Small squads of Conglomerate awaited the impending attack, swiping at the exposed areas of the dropships.
‘Jeevsie! Open fire! Clear the landing area!’ Silent yelled into the cockpit.
Moments later, titanic explosions wreaked the beaches as craters of horrifying chocolate tore them apart. Silent watched in entranced horror as the chocolate from the gun-cannons seemed to come alive, wrapping around the Conglomerate it touched and ripping them apart.
‘What the hell is that stuff?’ Sarah shouted.
‘It is the majesty of our Lord Columbo that makes such weapons available,’ a squeaky-voiced Oompa Loompa replied. ‘His secrets shall never be revealed, not by us, his lowly footmen.’
‘I suppose not,’ Silent replied, ‘I’ll have to have a talk to him about that.’
Sarah nodded warily, noticing the twitch in the Oompa’s eyes at such a casual mention of his master.
‘Anyway. We’re here, let’s get going.’
As the ramparts of the dropships opened swiftly, the UN leapt out, raking the enemy with short range blasts of bullet fire and organic chocolate. With Conglomerate troops melting away left and right, Silent and Sarah leapt into a nearby warpig and headed to the mountain path close by, Obeseman lumbering in their wake.
A horrendous belch issued forth from the being, an unearthly wind tore a hole in reality before the fleeing Conglomerate. Within seconds, the corpses were consumed, along with all organic life in the way, including a pair of unlucky Oompas who were straggling behind.
‘What the hell was that?!’ Sarah yelled.
‘Obeseman did it,’ Silent replied, watching him lick his lips. ‘It was like some sort of super eating beam of consuming!’
‘I like the sound of that.’ Obeseman shouted from behind.
Silent shook his head as the warpig ramped upwards, heading towards a large, metal opening in the mountain where the Loud Satnav was believed to be found.
A host of Conglomerate were inside, shooting at the incoming vehicle. A laser bolt struck the truck hard and the transport flipped and burst into flame. Silent and Sarah leapt out just in time, yet the Oompa with them was charred and burnt.
Spraying the air before them with rounds, the pair dived behind tree cover, ripping up lemmings and the occasional Russiian with armour piercing rounds. A huge Moch stood fixed at the door, blasting the tree with his acidic weapon. The bark began to burn and Sarah locked on with her sniper rifle.
Obeseman flopped up the hill, a pair of assault rifles in hand. A pair of hugely fat men in vests followed him, consuming the dead left behind. The back of the Moch exploded as Sarah’s acid-tipped round punctured its chest and the beast collapsed dead.
With Obeseman’s help, the door was cleansed of the aliens in minutes and the group charged down into the depths of the metal maze. A pair of Russiians attempted a desperate stand but were absorbed by Obeseman before firing a shot.
‘Obeseman, who are these guys?’ Sarah asked, directing towards the two fat men.
‘Oh, these guys, they’re my men. They consume the life on the planet and then...’ he grabbed the first and widening his jaw, consumed him. ‘I eat them.’
Sarah and Silent winced, ‘And they... don’t mind?’
‘Oh they don’t have a choice, they have no mind of their own. Just the thoughts I put into them.’ Obeseman winked, licking his lips, ‘Let’s get going anyway, we don’t want these Conglomerate to lock the door.’
Hurriedly they charged downstairs where a pair of Russiians were closing a large, steel door. One cried in terror before being shot down as the other hid triumphantly behind the closing and finally, locked door.
‘Oh no! Whatever shall we do now?! We can’t possibly get through that door now!’ Obeseman announced, sarcastically, grabbing Silent and Sarah.
In the blink of an eye they had shot through Dimension X and were now standing beside the utterly terrified Russiian.
‘HOW?!!!’ he shrieked, pointing at the laughing Obeseman.
Obeseman leaned in closely, ‘I’m Obeseman.’ he whispered as the man screamed.

Timmy gasped. A trickle of sweat dripped down his forehead as he squirmed in tantalising pleasure and slight pain. Never had he had such an experience before. His breathing quickened as he felt it building up inside him, ready to erupt.
He shifted his pelvis up and down, trying to force himself deeper inside to better his aim. It was coming, he could feel it now. A strong buildup of pressure wracked his body until at last it came. With a loud, final moan he collapsed, half in pain, half in ecstasy. He wiped his brow of sweat and slowly stood up, grinning.
Pulling up his trousers, he stared downwards, smiling, ‘That was amazing.’
Carefully, he limped away. His business was done and no one would ever find his poop down that hole.

In moments the entire maze was empty of life but for the three heroes. Obeseman stood licking his lips as they stared darkly at the small, circular machine before them.
‘Well... what do we do with it?’ Silent asked, unsure.
Sarah reached out and switched the machine on carefully. Drawing a small memory band, she inserted it into the machine and it began to swirl with information, eventually forming a small map of the ring.
DOWNLOAD COMPLETE
She withdrew, ‘Right, that’s it, we have the location of the Control Room, all we have to do is follow this.’
‘Really? That’s it?’ Silent asked, surprised.
‘Strangely yes.’ Sarah answered, ‘We better take this back to command, the Conglomerate already know where the Control Room is and you can bet it’s under one hell of a guard. We’re gonna need Dopeman and Obeseman.’
‘Awesome.’ replied Obeseman, grabbing their arms, ‘Let’s go.’
In a flash they reappeared standing beside Dopeman, who had flung a cup of tea dramatically across the room in mock surprise.
‘My God! Obeseman! How could you sneak up on someone like that?!’ he roared, ‘Even I don’t do that!’
Obeseman laughed, ‘We know where the Control Room for this thing is.’
‘Ah, so there is a Control Room. This should be interesting. Alright then, let’s pull out all the stops, time for a no-holes barred attack. We’ll take everyone.’
‘Really?’ Sarah asked, surprised.
‘Sure. Why not?’ Dopeman smirked. ‘Let’s get going.’

Chapter Six: 434 Innocent Flame


'You know, just once I'd like to spend a year without having to go somewhere that looks really creepy.' Jamsie sighed, staring into the dark, desolate swampland they were circling.
'On the bright side, it smells really nice,' laughed Silent, taking in a great waft of warm melted chocolate. ’Must be the nicest smelling swamp in the world.’
’I hear you,’ replied Jeevsie from the front. ’Well, no sense circling anymore, the Captain’s down there somewhere, you’re just gonna have to get out and look.’
’Yeah...’ said Silent uneasily. ’Put us down on a dry patch, then we’ll head out.’
The LAAT touched down lightly on a sugar bush, crumpling the soft patch of earth under its heavy bulk. Silent, Jeevsie and Timmy stepped out onto the damp ground, chocolate swelling over their boots. They drew their weapons and advanced into the gloom.
Trudging through the dense muddy chocolate was filthy work, their gear quickly becoming covered in grunge-like chocolate fluids.
‘Silent this is disgusting. I mean I like chocolate as much as any guy but seriously this is horrible.’ Jamsie complained, his suit drenched. ‘It’s like being Augustus Gloop for cryin’ out loud!’
‘Yeah, I agree with you there...’ Silent answered, kicking a large flab of soft chocolate from his leg. ‘The Conglomerate had to have a weapons cache out here...’
Timmy, on the other hand, looked quite at home amid the filth, revelling in it like a pig in mud.
Jamsie snorted at him, ‘It’s like bloody playtime to him!’
‘Yay! Playtime!’ he grinned, flopping around.
‘Christ Timmy!’ snarled Silent, grabbing him by the collar and lifting him from the swamp, ‘I don’t suppose the poor cleaning ladies ever occurred to you before you ruined your suit!’
Timmy looked crestfallen and on the verge of tears.
‘I’m sorry,’ he said quietly.
‘Aww... it’s ok little guy,’ replied Silent as Timmy flung his arms around him, sobbing loudly.
‘Silent?!’ Jamsie yelled, staring at him with a half bemused, half disgusted look on his face. ‘What the Fuck!?’
Silent glanced at Timmy and put him down, stepping away from him. ‘Sorry. I’ve been wondering lately what it might be like to have a baby around cos someday Sarah and I might have one you see and well... Timmy’s a lot like one. I got a bit carried away...’
‘A bit?!’ Jamsie yelled, ‘That was bordering on creepy relationship!’
‘Yeah... it was a bit...’ Silent replied, glancing sideways. ‘Eh... we better get going.’
The trio continued on, trying to ignore what had just happened. Not far ahead they found a pile of dead Conglomerate riddled with bullets. The Captain wasn’t too far ahead then.
‘Silent? Get a load of this thing!’ Jamsie called, pointing towards a huge metal structure rising from the swamp.
‘That has to be where the weapons are stored.’ Silent replied, ‘Look, there’s dead lemmings outside! The Captain must be in there!’
They charged into the depths of the building, thankful that they were walking on hard metal rather than the dreadfully soft chocolate. More Conglomerate lay dead in scattered places, along with a pair of marines.
‘There’s a lift up ahead. Jeese this place must be huge!’ exclaimed Jamsie.
The trio stepped onto the vast metal construct and it began to lower. They descended for what seemed like hours until at last they found themselves staring down a long corridor. The corridor exited into a large room supported by pillars which dotted the metal floor. On the ground to their right lay a dead Russiian, his chest looked like it had exploded.
‘What in the hell happened to him?’ Jamsie asked, looking worried, ‘That’s no human weapon damage!’
Silent frowned... ‘Could have been Johnny... I dunno...’ He felt as if he was grasping for a solution with this idea.
‘C’mon,’ he said eventually, ‘We have to find Lochs.’
They headed off down another corridor, halting halfway down.
'Okay... this is getting freaky.' Jamsie muttered, glancing uneasily at the walls of the corridor. They were smeared with blood, both alien and human and also... what looked like faeces.
‘Yeah...’ replied Silent, moving slowly down the shaft, keeping to the centre to avoid rubbing any of the walls.
Even Timmy was looking a little unnerved at the filth and excrement decorating the passage. ‘I’m scared.’
‘I don’t blame you Timmy, something really fucked up is going on here.’ Silent whispered as they moved on to the next lift, slowly lowering down into the blackness of the next level.
The room they entered was similar to the pillared room above, yet this one was covered in bodies, both human and Conglomerate and showered with blood. A section of the wall had been ripped down to their right and it was ablaze with flame.
'Oh... kay... so... I'm guessing the Captain fought his way through here, a grenade went off and blew down some of the ceiling.' Silent explained slowly, but unsurely, the level above was made from what looked like reinforced glass. It had smashed open where the fire was and Silent could see evidence that the second level lead into another corridor.
'They must have climbed up here,' Jamsie heaved, clambering up to the glass level via the fallen pillar. The other two followed and they found themselves entering a broken door leading into a huge room.
The room was empty and they were on the second level, a catwalk crossed the ceiling of the room below and led into another room. Yet here, the room split downwards into a junction. Silent paused, spinning on the spot with his weapons drawn.
'What is it?' Jamsie asked.
'I thought I heard... never mind,' replied Silent, unsure. He stepped to the door to the front of them, ignoring those left and right.
‘Looks like Lochs was here,’ Jamsie muttered, pointing to a small machine calibrator fixed to the door, ‘Must’ve been a hell of a lock on that door if they needed one of those to get it open.’
‘Let’s get inside.’ Silent replied.
They stepped into a wide, rectangular room, there were nine doors exiting from the room, four on either of the long sides, one opposite the one they entered.
Silent moved around hurriedly, checking each door. ‘They’re locked, all of them, sealed tight. Lochs and his men never left this room.’ he turned to the others worriedly. ‘I don’t know how, but it looks like they just vanished.’
A low laugh rang out, slowly becoming a chain of chuckling as a figure stepped out of the gloom. Dopeman stepped out from the shadows holding a marine helmet with Wilkins written on it.
He winked at Silent and tossed him the helmet. ‘You don’t know the half of it. Wait till you get a load of that.’

'Alright marines, when we get there, we split into two teams, team one go with the captain, team two, that's you lot sitting on my side, you guys are coming with me,' Johnny said.
'Damn it,' muttered one of the men.
'You ain't happy soldier?' Johnny turned on him, 'Well I'm telling you now Banderas, you better get comfortable or I'm gonna fuck you over good!' snarled Johnny.
'That's harassment!' shouted another marine.
'Oh yeah!' roared Johnny, drawing his chainsaws and swiping at the supports.
'Supports down! Supports down!' voiced the intercom as the dropship slowly fell from the sky, drifting to the ground.
Johnny laughed, 'I told you not to fuck with me marines. God help the guys who survive the crash!'

They were on the ground, in a burning wreckage of an LAAT. An arm appeared on screen, it was bruised and bloody, there was a scream nearby followed by the rev of a chainsaw, then silence. Johnny walked into view over the smoking metal.
He grimaced, looking straight at him. ‘What about you? Wilkins huh? Gonna try and stop me? Or are you gonna shut up and fall in with the other smart guys?’
‘Was that a nod?’ Johnny huffed, ‘Good.’
He lifted the man up with the help of a hand. They walked wearily over to the other three survivors. The five walked into the swamp without another word. A few minutes later they arrived in front of the Captain and his twenty man team.
‘What happened?’ Lochs asked.
‘Had a little crash Captain... nothing to worry about. Lost a few men.’ Johnny replied, with a smirk as the marines grimaced.
‘A few?’ Lochs raised an eyebrow.
Johnny winked, ‘You know how it is Captain. Some were too tired to carry on. It was their time.’
Lochs frowned. ‘We’ll discuss this later. Let’s get to that cache.’

They were staring at two marines who were looking at the Russiian with the burst stomach.
'What the hell did that to him?' one asked.
'I dunno but it makes him look pretty hot,' replied the other with raised eyebrows. 'I would bang that any day.'
'Dude?! What the fuck!?' shrieked the other marine.
Johnny advanced. 'That your boyfriend?' he was pointing at the corpse.
The marine smiled, 'Maybe, I haven't asked him out yet. Should I? Shouldn't I? He looks so handsome. I wonder would he hold me closely and let me talk in bed? Or would he ravage me all night long?'
Johnny looked as if he were about to throw up. The other marine ran away screaming. At last, Johnny sliced the head from the talking marine's shoulders as Lochs walked into view.
'Johnny! Stop killing my men!' he roared.
'I couldn't help it captain, he was one seriously fucked up guy!' he replied, dragging the body away with him.

Lochs was standing at the door with Johnny and another marine.
'Get that door open!' Lochs was ordering as the marine bent down and attached the calibrator to the door.
The marine shook his head, 'This could take a while captain. The Conglomerate have tried really hard to lock down this door.'
A noise, almost unearthly, like a strange chattering, echoed through the corridor. Johnny turned, weapons at the ready. There was nothing there.
The door made a noise and slowly opened.
'Got it.' said the marine.

They were in the room: Lochs, Johnny and three other marines. It was empty, the doors were locked and there was silence.
'Where're the weapons?' Johnny asked.
'Not here.' Lochs replied, staring around.
Suddenly, the chattering noise returned, growing louder and louder. It was all around them, they drew their weapons, looking for the source of the noise, but found only locked doors and a high ceiling.
'What is that?' Johnny whispered.
Suddenly, there was a loud, high pitched yell. The sight turned to see one of the marines lying on his back. There was something clawing at his face.
It was a strange creature, almost like a large, living snail-shell, with hundreds of horrible feeler-like legs ending in small, alveoli sacs. Worse still, the creature had a small head attached to the living shell. It was bald, rat-shaped, with a thin wisp of hair, pointed ears, small, black eyes and a wrinkled, wart-ridden nose. It's teeth were sharp, pointy and two were bucked near the front. It looked horribly familiar.
'Get it off! Get it off!' the marine yelled as the creature tore into his neck screaming vile words.
Another marine ran over to help but was caught as one of the doors nearby exploded outwards, followed by a swarm of the creatures.
'Open fire!' roared Johnny, who was in amongst them already, hacking left and right. The others sprayed them with lead. Some popped in death, but more flooded inwards. Other doors were opening as the entrance closed fast behind. They were trapped in a tide of creatures.
'Damn it Wilkins! Fire your weapon!' Johnny roared over the chattering.
'There's too many!' came the cry as the captain was swamped. The chattering became clear and succinct as the creatures began to voice in unison.
'Tyranids! Halo! Xbox! Tyranids! Blarg!'
The sight fell beneath the creatures and all went black.

Silent dropped the helmet in revulsion. Slowly, after regaining himself, he turned to Timmy.
'What did you do?!' he spoke in a calm fury.
'I don't know.' the creature replied. He had tears in his eyes.
'Timmy. I'm going to ask one more time. What did you do?'
'Well... I went to the toilet... down one of the strange little circle things.' he replied, dully.
'What strange little circle things?' Silent asked.
'He's talking about the duct tubes that lead into the ring’s internal environmental enhancers.' Dopeman answered for him, 'Basically, Timmy has invented his own race by mingling the DNA from his shit with the enhancers. They are parasitic and judging from the way they fight. They certainly have his brains, if not a great deal less of them. They are a threat however, and should be destroyed. Plus, I guess they've captured the Captain and Johnny.'
'Wonderful,' replied Silent, sarcastically. He turned to the others. Timmy looked worried, Jamsie, on the other hand, looked like Christmas had come early.
'Jamsie?' Silent inquired, a little worried.
He burst into a beaming smile and, to everyone's surprise, gave Timmy a big hug.
'Oh Timmy I could kiss you!' he yelled jubiously.
'Jamsie? What the hell, man?' Silent asked, completely confused.
'Don't you see what Timmy's done?' Jamsie replied, still beaming. 'He's given me a bonified excuse to murder him in every brutal way my twisted mind can imagine, without actually killing him! This is the most amazing day of my life! Woohoo!'
Dopeman smirked, 'Hey, I guess you're right.' Suddenly, he drew himself up and swiftly drew a toothpick. 'They're here.'
Silent turned to see one of the doors burst open and a small horde of the Timmyforms spluttered out, chattering and flailing.
Jamsie threw Timmy off him and ready his Tommy gun, eyes aflame with malice and joy. He laughed and began to rake the creatures with lead. Silent opened fire beside him, as did Dopeman. Together, they annihilated the first wave. As the last screams of ‘Tyranids!’ and ‘Halo!’ died down, they were suddenly surrounded as every other door in the room burst open and thousands of the creatures swarmed in.
‘Oh...oh shit.’ Jamsie said quietly, still firing, ‘Wasn’t expecting this many so soon.’
Silent and Dopeman forced a way out, Timmy and Jamsie following in their wake. They made it to the entrance door and opened it to come face to face with a tall, mutilated marine. He was deformed horrifically, becoming hunched, balded and rat-like. A Timmyform was buried into the man’s neck.
Jamsie saw it, turning fast and blasting the creature through the chest with his weapon before bursting its head with a stomp of his foot. He grinned to himself before looking up and seeing at least twelve more of the human forms lumbering towards him.
Dopeman stepped forwards, flicking his wrist fast and impaling each with a sharp toothpick. He charged through, kicking down the last as it fell, the others charged after him, shooting sporadically behind them at the encroaching tides of Timmyforms.
Dopeman grabbed the other three and teleported fast. They arrived outside the supposed weapons cache.
‘What about the Captain?’ Silent asked.
‘He ain’t in there anymore!’ Dopeman replied, ‘The Timmy’s took him out, along with Johnny and a couple of others. I have no idea where they took him.’
‘Great!’ Silent yelled as it started to rain. Strangely the rain wasn’t chocolate. ‘How the fuck do we find him then?’
‘I don’t know!’ Dopeman answered, ‘But we better get the fuck outta here!’
‘Why?’
‘Because of them!’ he replied, pointing to the Timmy’s advancing through the murky marshes. Some were human, other’s Conglomerate, other’s in their infection forms.
‘Oh shit! Let’s get out of here!’ Silent roared as they charged headlong towards the LAAT where they had arrived.
They hurried forwards, firing in all directions as the Timmy’s closed in, flailing their arms as they went. The swamp was filled with screams and shouts of ‘Halo! Xbox! Blarg!’
Silent threw a grenade and a small cluster of Timmy’s were blown apart. Eventually, the four of them reached the LAAT.
‘She’s stuck hard Silent! She ain’t gonna move!’ Jeevsie yelled.
‘I’m on it!’ replied Dopeman, slowly lifting the craft as the others formed a small perimeter as the creatures moved in.
They were within swiping distance when all of a sudden, the front row of Timmy’s fell down, scorching and burning.
Silent looked up. A host of strange, claw-shaped robots swooped downwards, firing hard, beam weapons that tore the creatures to pieces.
‘What the-’ he began before suddenly vanishing into thin air.
‘Where the fuck is Silent?!’ Jamsie yelled.

Silent appeared on a tall metal structure protruding from the swamp. He pulled his rifle on the small, orb-like robot before him. It was silver, with a single, small blue eye.
‘What the fuck are you?’ Silent asked. ‘Why have you taken me?’
‘I am 434 Innocent Flame, monitor of installation zero-three. I have taken you to control this outbreak.’ the robot replied.
‘Hang on? You want me to do what now?’ he asked.
The droid laughed as Silent and he vanished again.

Chapter Eight: Two Loyalists


Sarah turned to see a flash of blinding light and in a split second she was staring at Silent, God and a strange, orb-like droid.
'Silent what?' she began.
'No time,' he answered, walking passed her with God, who shrugged in slight confusion.
'Time to set this thing off.' Silent grinned, staring at the Control Panel.
God stepped over, 'So I need to touch this t-groove to activate it?'
'Yes, the icon must activate the ring,' Innocent replied.
Sarah suddenly ran in front of them, holding her arms wide as if to shield the Control Panel. 'Whoa, wait a minute! Did you say you were going to activate this thing?!'
'Yeah,' Silent replied casually, 'To get rid of the Timmys.'
'The what?!' Sarah and God said at the same time. Sarah turned to God, surprised.
He grinned, 'It's ok, I already know I just like to play along.'
‘Timmy shit somewhere on this ring. His shit combined with the hab centre of the ring and now there’s a race of Timmy freaks running around capturing and killing and we have to stop them.’ Silent answered hurriedly.
‘Wait, but you don’t even know what this ring does!’ she yelled, pushing Silent back, ‘While you were gone I was checking the files to see what this thing is. Do not fire it, under any circumstances!’
‘Why? What does it do?’ Silent asked, stopping and turning with an uneasy look on his face at Innocent.
Innocent backed away slowly, as if it knew that Silent wasn’t going to like what he was about to be told.
‘Silent. This ring is designed to send out a molecular wave that converts everything to chocolate. Now when I say everything, I mean pretty much half of the galaxy. And it’s in range of Earth.’ Sarah said, her eyes, fixated on his in an attempt to show her conviction.
‘It’s true,’ replied God. ‘I remember when this place was built. The early humans built the ring to kill off an ancient, zombie-like infection that fed off all sentient life. They couldn’t eat chocolate however, so when the ring was fired, they were destroyed. What was left of humanity fed themselves off the chocolate so humanity survived.’
‘You lied to me,’ Silent said slowly, turning to Innocent.
‘Correction, I merely watered down the facts.’ Innocent answered, ‘No matter. I will fire this ring, God? Activate it!’
God laughed, ‘You must be joking.’ He vanished.
Innocent’s eye glowed orange, ‘Oh. You’ve made me very angry.’
Silent and Sarah laughed, ‘What are you going to do? Blink us to death?!’
The monitor glowed blue again as six guardians rose from the depths of the Control Room below them. ‘Oh I can think of other ways to kill you.’
Silent raked the guardians with assault rifle fire and they each fell down, smoking. He smirked at the monitor, who floated away from them.
‘I’ll get you two! One day!’ he called as he swooped out.
‘What a bizarre creature?’ Sarah exclaimed.
‘You’re telling me.’ Silent muttered, ’C’mon, let’s go.’
As they hurried out, they met Obeseman. He turned to see them, a confused look on his face. ’What’s going on? I heard gunfire.’
’It’s nothing, we’re leaving.’ Silent answered, still moving.
’Right right, ok. Why?’
’Cos Captain Lochs and Johnny have been captured by a race of Timmy creatures.’
’Right ok. Wait what?’
’I’ll explain on the move, c’mon.’
’Where are we going?’
’No idea. To find Dopeman and the others I guess.’
‘Well, I can teleport us to his location.’ Obeseman suggested.
‘Oh yeah, of course.’
In a flash of light they were standing in what seemed to be a desert. There was a tall, pyramidal structure rising from the sands before them, surrounded by a small city with lots of people and camels.
‘Ah. Sorry. Bit of a teleportation mistake there.’ Obeseman muttered.
‘Why are we in Egypt?’ Silent asked, quietly.
‘Eh, hold on a second.’ Obeseman replied. Another flash erupted and they were standing in a white corridor of what seemed to be a small starship. It was empty.
‘Ok, now where the hell are we?’ Silent asked.
It was then that they heard talking in a nearby room, peering into the doorway they saw a small hexagonal room, it was full of people. There were six men flanking a pair in the centre. They wore white armour with black cloth and carried short blaster rifles.
In the centre a man in a beige shirt, white trousers wearing a shell-like helmet was being lifted off his feet by a tall, black armoured man.
’This is a consular’s ship. We’re on a diplomatic mission.’ choked the lifted man.
’If this is a consular’s ship, where is the ambassador?!’ the black armoured man roared, his voice deep. They heard the neck of the man break and he was thrown against the world.
’Ready to go?’ Obeseman asked.
’Commander tear this ship apart until you’ve found those plans and bring me the prisoners I want them alive!’
Another flash of light and they were at home base. Looking around, they found Dopeman sitting on a bag of flour nearby.
’I was beginning to wonder when you lot would turn up,’ he said, ’What’ve have you been up to? And where the hell did you go?’ He nodded at Silent.
’Long story.’ he answered, sitting down beside him as Jamsie, Jeevsie and Timmy plodded over.
After a while he’d explained it all. Dopeman shook his head. ’Right, so basically, we rescue Lochs and Johnny and then get the fuck off this ring?’
’Sounds like a plan.’ Silent smirked. ’Let’s get going.’
’Right,’ Sarah smiled, getting up, ’Where?’
’No idea.’

’You were right to focus your attention on these new creatures Count. But the Earth control of the Control Room is disturbing. We cannot let them initiate the Little Quest.’ Prudence spoke.
’My lords, I do not believe the Earthlings will activate the ring. They know nothing of the Little Quest.’
’That is small comfort. You’re sure the Control Room cannot be taken?’ Justice asked.
’The obese one killed over one hundred Mochs. I have never seen or heard of anything like it before.’ Zhukov replied.
’One hundred Mochs?!’ Prudence exclaimed, ’You are sure?’
’I saw it with my own eyes.’
’This is unprecedented. How could any single being commit such a monstrous toll of death?’ Gluttony gargled.
’I do not know my lords. I will do my best to hold the sacred ring from the heathens.’
’No Count. You have done enough in this fight. Recall you’re troops. We’re abandoning the ring, it’s costing us too many lives. Leave the Earthlings and the infection fight each other. When they are done we shall strike again to claim our prize.’
’Very well my lords. I shall withdraw.’
’Good work Count. You have proven your loyalty to the Conglomerate many times before. We have our faith in you.’ Prudence voiced.

’I’ve found him sir,’ a young officer called, ’The Captain’s transponder signal is coming through.
’Where from, Harper?’ Silent asked, leaning over her shoulder to look at the view screen.
’It looks like, the ruins of the Lie and Unforgiveness.’ she replied, ‘It came down on the eastern dunes.’
‘Good work Harper, get on the transports. You’ve done your duty.’ he smiled at her, ‘We’ll take it from here.’
He stepped up beside Dopeman and Obeseman, looking down at the sea of marines and Oompa Loompas. He fired a shot in the air and the crowds fell silent.
‘Right. All of you get onto the transports. Get as far away from here as possible. We’re going to get the Captain and destroy this ring. If we succeed, we’ll all see each other later. If not, well... good luck everyone.’ he shouted.
Silent, Obeseman, Dopeman, Sarah, Jamsie, Timmy and Jeevsie held hands and, in a flash, they had vanished.
‘Oh shit, not again.’ Obeseman muttered, shaking his head.
Silent groaned, staring again at the vast pyramid.
‘Why do we keep ending up in Egypt?!’ Sarah shrieked.
‘I don’t know.’ Obeseman replied, shaking his head. ‘I just don’t know.’
Dopeman sighed, ‘Let me do it.’
There was another blinding flash and they were gone.

Chapter Ten: The Abyss


Right… Silent thought to himself, let’s blow up this ship. He headed down through the half remembered service ducts and corridors, halting every now and then as a pair of Timmy’s waddled passed, hurrying off to some forgotten area of the ship that, as far as Silent could hear from the laser fire, had been boarded by the Conglomerate.
He dodged downwards into a small air duct to avoid a small torrent of infections as they trundled down towards the encroaching gunfight. Silent was glad that they were being drawn away, leaving him free to reach the bridge… and the command console.
An explosion to his right shook him rigid and the roof of the air duct collapsed inwards, forcing him to jump back out the way he came. He found himself standing face to face with a Russiian, who looked just as surprised as he did to have seen a fully armed earthling shot out of an air duct. The Russiian died quickly and quietly, Silent was eager not to draw any more attention. Yet things were beginning to get out of hand, he could hear the ominous chattering of the Timmy’s closing in and he had nowhere to hide. Sighing, he drew his pistols and stood ready as the first Timmy rounded the corner. He smiled, ‘Hey Timmy’s, did you miss me?’

Sarah moved slowly and steadily, the gantry creaked slightly under her and she saw it was barely held up by a small sliver of metal on the other side. Knowing she had to act fast, she dropped, drawing her blade at the same time and ramming it up through the spine of the Russiian before her and turning swiftly so the lasers from his companions impacted on his body. She spun from behind his ravaged body, spraying the enemy with swift and precise SMG shots before she tumbled out of the room and into a vast service corridor. A quick look back into the room told her she had killed all its’ occupants. She smiled grimly to herself and moved on.
The corridor was unnervingly quiet, even the sounds from the rear of the vessel had died down. Had no one heard the gunfire just now? Was there anyone left alive to hear it? Then, just as she had thought it, a figure rounded the corner, she locked it in her sights and fired.

Silent ducked, he had seen the rounds aimed for him and he launched himself to the ground, drawing his wristblades in a single fluid motion. He readied himself to strike as he stood but stopped instantly. He spun and fell backwards with the force of his halting.
‘Sarah?! What the-’ he began, puzzled.
‘I couldn’t let you do it all by yourself now, could I?’ she smiled, nodding behind him to the pair of dead Timmy’s lying just where he had been standing. ‘You’re lucky I’m such a good shot.’
‘You’re lucky I’m such a good dodge!’ he exclaimed, yet a little cheerfully. ‘Well come on then, we better get to the Control Room fast!’
She laughed, ‘Always with the running.’

It wasn’t long before they found themselves in the rank and destitute bridge of the once famed Statue of Spring. It was a far cry from its’ once great stature, being drenched in the filth and excretions of the Timmy’s. They dealt with a triplet of pregnant Timmy’s in swift order and found themselves having to wipe the grime off the consoles to get them to work. Sarah looked disgusted.
‘Ugh, I wasn’t expecting this!’ she complained.
‘Hey, neither was I! It’s not exactly the most pleasant attempt to blow up a ship is it?’ he answered, flicking the grunge from his arm.
‘So, eh, how do we blow this thing up anyway?’ Silent asked as the console activated.
‘There should be a self-destruct sequence somewhere in the mainframe. I’ll put in the Captain’s access codes and see if anything comes up.’ Sarah replied, hurriedly typing in the codes. They soon found the sequence and activated it.
‘I’ve set it for fifteen minutes, that should give us time to get to the hangar and get a flight out of here.’
‘Right, ok. That should be fine. We should probably get moving now.’ Silent said, turning to leave.
Suddenly the power turned off, the timer freezing almost as soon as it had begun.
‘Oh, I’m afraid I can’t let you do that Silent.’ said a familiar voice, it seemed to be issuing from all around them, almost like an intercom.
‘Oh no, not you again.’ Silent slapped his head in annoyance as Innocent Flame floated into the bridge, accompanied by eight of his guardians.
‘Ha ha, I told you I would get my revenge. I told you and I bet you didn’t believe me, but no I got it. Ha.’ the robot laughed.
‘You are a strange, twisted little light bulb, you know that?’ Sarah answered, a little disgusted.
‘What makes you think you can stop us this time? You’re little friends didn’t help much last time, or have you got some secret doomsday weapon in reserve?’ Silent smirked, ‘C’mon Sarah, let’s get out of here, let the little game boy have his ship.’
‘Sure,’ she smiled, they both walked passed him and made to leave the room.
Innocent faltered, ‘Wha- what? You aren’t angry? I’m confused, what’s going on? But… but I stopped the countdown? Now you can’t blow up the ring? Why aren’t you angry?’
‘Seeya Innocent,’ waved Silent as the pair turned the corner and entered the depths of the ship, heading for engineering.
‘I just don’t understand,’ Innocent said to himself, confusedly, resting in the bridge.

‘It’ll be a while before he figures out what we’re up to, if we’re lucky.’ Silent smiled to Sarah, ‘I’ve never seen a dumber machine.’
‘I know, he’s ridiculous!’ she laughed as they trotted into engineering, firing off a few casual shots into the various Timmy’s clambering around inside.
The pair walked up to the second level. Staring down from a walkway into the pumping engine system. A piston rammed in and out of a blistering furnace that powered much of the ship, every now and again, the piston pulled out to relieve the heat.
‘Now, you’re saying a good grenade in there should be able to overload the engine?’ Silent asked, pointing at the furnace hole.
‘Yeah, that or some other sort of explosive.’ she smiled, you take this side, I’ll take the piston on the other.’
‘Right,’ he grinned, readying his frag grenade. He waited for the piston to shoot out and hurriedly drew out the pin and tossed, his aim was good and soon the furnace doors burst open and flames seeped out, incinerating a Timmy hopping below.
A similar explosion issued from behind him and he turned to see Sarah hurrying towards him.
‘We’ve got ten minutes! Let’s hurry!’ she yelled as they charged out of the room together.

‘What?!’ Innocent yelled, ‘Engines overloading! Oh no! I’ve been duped!!!’
He turned, spinning on the spot, ‘We have to catch them and punish them for this!’
He swooped out through the bridge screen, a host of guardians behind. They traced through the air, heading for the outside of the ship, where they caught sight of their prey, a single warpig was racing on the top of the ship, heading for the starboard hangar, Innocent was determined they would not make it.

‘Oh damn! Those bloody robots are coming back!’ Sarah yelled, readying her sniper rifle, a quick shot bringing down one of the guardians, yet there were plenty more behind.
‘Well, I knew they’d catch on after we blew the engines! He’s gonna be really pissed off now!’ Silent replied, wind whipping across his face as he sped the warpig across the unsteady terrain of the Spring. There were large pillars and boxes stacked in very inappropriate places which made driving through a very difficult procedure indeed.
Not to mention the war zone of Timmy’s and Conglomerate being fought all around them. The warpig dashed over a ramp, passing over the heads of a pair of cowering lemmings and landing with a sickening crunch on top a Russiian and a pregnant Timmy, which exploded and shredded one of the tyres. The warpig skidded, flipped and crashed straight into a pillar. Silent was flung out through the windscreen and landed, painfully, in front of a smiling Timmy.
‘Friend?’ it asked dumbly, limping towards him as he staggered up and shot it in the head. He looked around, his head had a nasty gash split across it and blood seeped down his forehead, ‘Sarah?!’
‘Over here!’ she replied, ‘I’m stuck!’
Stumbling over, he found her lying beneath the back seat of the warpig, she had a bruise on her cheek and her left arm was bleeding.
‘I think I’m ok, I don’t think anything’s broken. What about you?’ she asked, struggling to get on her feet.
‘Well, apart from the head I think…’ he touched his chest, ‘Yep, at least one broken rib. Anyway, doesn’t matter too much now, does it? We’re not going to reach the hangar in time.’
‘Oh, I don’t know about that,’ she smiled, pointing to a small access door nearby. It was labelled: BICYCLES, TRANSPORT AND MAINTENANCE.
‘Well that’s surprisingly lucky, let’s hope one works.’ he grinned as they hobbled over.
Meanwhile, the other three forces were killing each other, though a trio of guardians broke off from the main group and headed after the pair.
Sarah turned, drawing her pistols and fired, several shots hit the first guardian and it plummeted to the ground and exploded. The second was caught in a tumultuous rain of fire from a large Russiian who had assumed it was coming for him. The third fired, hitting Silent in the shoulder and scorching his arm. He yelled out in pain, and turned to rake the robot with lead from his submachine gun.
At last they reached the door and hurriedly wedged it open, yet looking inside they found only one motorcycle, the rest had been dashed to pieces on the floor and were drenched in Timmy slime.
They quickly hauled it outside and mounted it together, Silent driving, Sarah behind him with a submachine gun at the ready. They sped off, knowing there was little time to waste, already they could hear and feel the damage caused by the accelerated heat of the engines. The craft began to shake and they moved fast, vaulting across vast ramps. Innocent saw them and was soon on the chase, his host of guardians not far behind.
‘Fire! If we’re lucky we might hit them!’ he yelled.
Suddenly the ground behind the bike lit up as the laser fire of the guardians cooked the air around them.
‘Fuck!’ shouted Silent as the heat seared across his skin. Sarah gritted her teeth and blind fired behind. A couple of guardians crashed to the ground yet there were more than enough to replace them.
Yet there was precious little time left for Innocent to achieve his goal as the hangar loomed just ahead. Silent grinned in spite of the pain, they were almost out. He sped up, pushing the bike to its limits with the guardians in hot pursuit.
‘Almost there. Almost there.’ he said under his breath as Sarah raked the robots with another clip of ammo.
Innocent himself was hit by one of the stray rounds. His eye casing was glazed and he shone red, ‘Oh you’ve made me very angry!’
The bike hurtled in through the huge hangar doors and Silent yelled, ‘Yes! There’s a broadsword fighter just down there!’
Sarah looked ahead and sure enough there was a large broadsword sitting just ahead, surrounded by Timmy’s, but at this stage they were a minor annoyance rather than an obstacle. He started to slow down as he realised there was an annoying amount of crates stacked around the vessel and he couldn’t afford another crash.
The guardians zoomed into the hangar just as they reached the broadsword. The pair hurried up inside it, Silent kicking a Timmy off the walkway as he ran up, ‘Get it started!’
Sarah rushed to comply, strapping herself hurriedly into the cockpit as Silent turned on the walkway, his assault rifle ready.
Innocent led his guardians straight for them, casually burning the Timmy’s amassing below. A hail of assault rifle fire met them and Innocent was shocked as half a flank of his robots fell to precise shots.
‘Fire! Fire!’ he yelled and lasers impacted all over the broadsword.
Sarah soon had the ship ready to leave and it began to rise up, shaking violently under the blistering hail of fire. Silent closed the door and rushed inside, strapping himself into the co-pilot’s seat.
The broadsword lifted off and shot out into space.

In the hangar, Innocent paused, glowing red and fuming. ‘Damn it!!!’
He fired, blowing a Timmy to kingdom come and turned to his guardians, ‘Kill everything you find on this ship!!!’
They rushed off to do so as Innocent suddenly read the temperature clock on his interface, it was rising rapidly and he noticed a low humming slowly rising in pitch all around him. It was then that he noticed the building flames, everything going red and then…
‘Oh shit.’ said 343 Innocent Flame.

Silent and Sarah had unstrapped themselves and were now looking out of the cockpit into space, the ring lay below them, a mighty fire was raging just where they had left and a huge chunk of the ring had broken off in a cataclysmic explosion.
They watched as the chunk floated to the other side and erupted in flame, breaking the vast ring in half and exploding.
Silent turned to Sarah, ‘Well, that’s that then.’
‘I wonder if we’ll find the others?’ she asked.
He turned, kissing her, he smiled, ‘Well, there’s no hurry yet.’
She grinned, ‘I wonder what it’s like to do it on the captain’s chair?…’
He smirked, glancing at the chair behind her, then groaned, clutching his ribcage, ‘Y’know I’d love to give it a go, but… I’m not sure if I’m up for it just now.’
She laughed, helping him gently over to the medical section of the small craft, ‘Of course honey. I didn’t realise you got so bashed up.’
‘It’s alright. I’ll be mended soon enough. Then we can try out that chair,’ he smirked, lowering himself onto the bed.

Chapter Twelve: Arsenal


‘Hey, about time you guys got here. We’ve been worried sick.’ Dopeman said.
‘Em… yes of course, citizen. I understand. Allow me to introduce myself.’ said a massive giant in thick red armour. His armour was strong enough to take tank shells head on without taking any damage. It was covered in memorabilia and the blood-drop icon. It was lined in gold filigree and he had a long draped skirt of red and gold bands lowered over his greaves. A huge power blade hung by his side held by his power fist, in his other hand he carried a monstrous-sized gun, easily the size of Timmy. He looked very animalistic in nature, with a vampiric complexion at odds with his blond hair. ‘I am Brother-Sergeant Lorenzo of the-’
‘Oh, I’m sorry. Did you think I was talking to you?’ Dopeman interrupted, ‘No I was talking to our friends who just got here. Silent and Sarah, they’ve been missing for a week. You can just get to work now. I don’t want to be bothered by any of your nonsense until every last one of those little bastards are dead.’
‘I will not suffer this insult to our Chapter you foul heathen!’ began the man.
‘Hey!’ Dopeman held up his hand to the man’s face, ‘Talk to the hand bitch, talk to the hand. Now do the work or things are gonna get ugly.’
‘You cannot say such blasphemies!’ Lorenzo began again.
‘Right, that’s it!’ Dopeman kicked the man hard in the crotch, cracking through the ceramite plating and busting the marine’s balls.
‘By the Emperor!’ the man gasped, collapsing in a heap.
‘Now, I can fix you up, but you have to do the job and not piss me off anymore. Got it?’ Dopeman snarled.
‘Yes.’ Lorenzo mouthed.
‘Good.’ Dopeman smirked.

‘So, what have you two been up to then? I mean, a week is an awfully long time in our lives, a lot seems to happen.’ Jamsie asked as they all sat back down in the dingy café.
‘Oh, well, you know how it is. Alone in a ship for a week with a beautiful young woman that you love.’ Silent winked.
‘Fight all the time huh?’
‘Yep, pretty much.’ Silent replied.
‘Too true,’ Sarah laughed.
‘So, what happened with you guys?’ Silent began but was cut off by the sound of gunfire. It was like a fusillade of mini-explosions. There was shrieking and shouting in loud volumes.
‘Brother Deino! Look out! One behind you! Goriel cover the doorway!’ Lorenzo roared. There was more shrieking and the sound of a chain gun going off followed by a series of explosions and what sounded like bodies bursting. Eventually the sound moved off.
Dopeman sighed, ‘It’s always like this with these guys. Damn Space Marines…’
‘How long is it going to take us to get to Earth from here?’ Sarah asked Jeevsie.
‘Well it should be around two days at the present speed ma’am.’ He replied.
‘Great. Not too long then,’ Silent said happily, to no one in particular. ‘So, what do we do until then?’
‘I dunno,’ shrugged Dopeman, he took a quick look at Timmy, ‘Look at some bowling ball and bicycle pictures?’

‘Sleep well?’ Silent asked, pouring out a cup of coffee.
‘Yes thank you, no thanks to the Blood Angels though, kept me awake a few hours trying to cut a hole through a doorway which happened to be outside the ship. One of them got sucked out into space, the others had to try and seal it up as fast as they could. Idiots.’
‘Yeah, they ambushed Timmy in the toilet earlier, thought he was a Tyranid, came very close to blowing his head off until some random maintenance worker told them he always looked like that.’
‘Those guys are such trigger happy lunatics,’ she muttered, sipping her coffee. ‘And what’s all this talk about an Emperor? I didn’t know we had one.’
‘Beat’s me. I have a strange feeling that these guys somehow managed to come to our universe from another one through Dopeman’s portals, they really don’t seem like they belong here.’
‘I’d say you’re right about that. The Tyranids too, now that you mention it. Didn’t we see them when Dopeman brought us into the Warhammer 40k universe?’
‘Yeah we did,’ Silent answered, ‘He probably left a few portals open there, so our galaxy is mixing with others.’
‘Wonderful,’ she said, sarcastically, ‘Just what we needed, more problems.’
‘Well as long as the Jetsons don’t go zooming past any time soon, I’ll be happy,’ said Jamsie, walking in groggily and pouring himself some tea.
‘This is getting so boring, just floating in space!’ Silent voiced. ‘I wish these ships would just hurry up and get us to Earth.’
‘I know, it’s so dull. Timmy’s been locked up in his room playing Halo 2 all day, he still hasn’t gotten passed the first grunt and it’s on easy!’ Jamsie complained, ‘Thank God these two days are almost over.’
There was a flash of light and Morgan Freeman - eh, I mean, God - appeared. He sat down, also pouring himself some coffee and turned to Jamsie, ‘You’re welcome.’
‘Sorry?’ Jamsie asked, confused.
‘Well, you said thank God so I assume you want me to say, you’re welcome.’
‘Oh yeah, right.’
‘So, you guys want this all to speed up, eh?’ he asked, slyly.
‘Yeah, we would love to just get to Earth already.’ Sarah said.
‘I’ll look the other way this time alright, but eh…’ God closed his eyes and they felt the ship picking up speed. He opened them again and stared around, ‘You’ll be there in five minutes now. Tell no one I helped or they’ll all be wanting favours.’
‘Wow, thanks God!’ Silent smiled, shaking his hand.
‘You’re welcome, now you all be good now. I’ve got to help Chuck Norris paint his house.’ He vanished in another flash of light and they all headed for the view screen, where they could at last see the Solar System, they were gaining on Earth fast now.
‘Yay, almost there!’ Sarah smiled.
They could see the perimeter defences now: massive cannons and platform guns, ion refractors and death star rays, even several chocolate disruptors. A whole fleet of cruisers and star choclifiers were floating above the atmosphere, ready to intercept any intruders. There were venators, interdictors and even a couple of massive imperial class choclifiers.
‘Wow, Columbo’s really getting ahead of himself with these new ships.’ Silent smirked, ‘They’re at least twice the size of the UN ships.’
‘Yeah… hey what’s that noise?’ Jamsie asked suddenly as they all stopped to hear a loud banging noise above them, like a fist pounding against glass.
‘Oh my God!’ shouted Sarah, pointing near the top of the view screen, where a figure was banging on the thick glass with all his might.
‘Is that?…’ Began Silent, staring at the figure who was in green camo, military gear, he had dirty blond hair and looked to be holding his breath. A chainsaw hung at his side. ‘Get the airlock open, get him in here!’
Jamsie rushed over to the airlock and hurriedly pulled the lever to open. They all stood watching as the doors inside opened out into the vast entity of space and the figure slowly and casually floated inside. When it was clear he was in, Jamsie closed the outer doors and the inner doors opened. The figure stepped eagerly into the corridor and stared around at them all.
Silent stepped forwards, very carefully and quietly before resting his hand on the man’s shoulder, ‘Johnny, how… how are you alive?’
‘Ha, you didn’t think a little bit of light speed travel whilst clinging to the outside of your ship from an exploding ring installation in space and then several days of surviving at a slow pace through an airless vacuum would kill me did you?’ Johnny replied, calmly.
Dopeman stepped over to him, looking stunned, ‘Dude… this is pretty fucked up right here.’
Suddenly, the intercom blasted on, ‘We’re preparing to dock on the Sparta installation now.’
This shook them all out of their reverie at Johnny’s arrival.
‘Ah, excellent,’ smiled Silent, ‘Let’s get down to the boarding ramp, it’s time Kofi Annan learned of what happened to our expedition.’
‘You’re damned right!’ said Jamsie, ‘We can tell him we lost his best captain, his best ship and half of his best troops… oh and that we destroyed a dangerous Conglomerate weapon that can annihilate half the universe…’
Sarah grinned, ‘That about sums it up, let’s go.’

They arrived at the boarding ramp just as the ship landed successfully. As they walked down, they took a long look at the vast orbital station they were marching into. It was easily the size of a small moon, spherical in shape with a huge, concave circle cut into the top have, creating a giant cone deep into its interior.
At the bottom of the ramp a large honour guard of Oompa Loompas and UN soldiers alike were waiting for them. The sergeant stepped forwards as they approached.
‘Sirs, ma’am, you are all to report to Dr. Belgor in medication before you proceed to the president’s office. It is his wish that the doctor ensures that you are all healthy before you see him.’ The sergeant voiced with clarity.
‘Alright,’ Silent replied, ‘I see no harm in that.’
They all followed the sergeant down a long corridor with thick glass windows where they could get a clear look at the planet below. Eventually, they turned a corner and passed down a flight of stairs before entering a vast laboratory. Or at least a laboratory filled to the roof with weapons.
‘Ah, you made it,’ Belgor said, unsmiling, not looking up from his work as they all shuffled into the room.
‘Eh, hi. What’s up Belgor?’ Silent asked.
‘Still working on the atomic pistol, anyway… do you like Columbo’s defence guns? They’re big enough anyway.’
‘Columbo made this station?’ Silent replied.
‘Damn right he did, him and those Oompa Loompas are running half the military now, he really came to power out of nowhere.’
Belgor eventually clicked off his virtual screen and walked over to them, examining Silent’s battle scarred armour.
‘You really should take better care of your armour, it’s really messed up, most of the systems are fried and this armour isn’t cheap, in fact, if I’m not mistaken it’s the only one left in the universe.’
‘Tell that to the Conglomerate,’ Silent replied, darkly.
‘Or even better, tell someone who gives a shit. Come on let’s get out of here and see Columbo.’ Jamsie voiced, irritated.
An Oompa coughed behind him, almost angrily, ‘Lord Columbo, sir.’
Sarah leaned in to Silent, ‘Those Oompa Loompas are getting really freaky, they seem a bit too loyal to Columbo.’
He nodded slowly, frowning down as the Oompa glared at them all, holding his gun at ease.
Jamsie snarled, ‘Come on, let’s go.’
‘You might as well, you all seem in perfect condition to me and I have to get on with my work.’ Belgor sighed as they all trooped out.
They were soon mounted in a fast sub-train which shot them through the station, heading for where they assumed Columbo was staying. As they went, they saw more views of Earth and its defences.
‘Earth.’ Johnny said, almost distant, ‘Seems so long since I last saw it. Look at it Silent, we’re humanities greatest hope, you and me. Looks like the whole budget’s gone to the military for this war, Columbo’s got over fifty of these weapons platforms built in total orbit around the planet.’
‘Uh-huh…’ Silent replied, unsure of what to say.
Johnny continued, ‘With the whole battlefleet and this station, the Sparta, along with the Gozo and the Salonika, hell nothing is getting through this barrier to earth. Troops have been arriving in all day, nobody’s saying much, but I bet something big is going down.’
‘Yeah… and eh, how do you know all this?’ Silent asked.
Johnny shook his head, ‘We’re here, let’s go.’
They all stepped off the train onto the platform to a storm of applause from troops and navy crew who had gathered there waiting for them.
‘You didn’t tell us there’d be cameras.’ Silent said quietly to Johnny.
‘You didn’t tell let me into your ship for a week.’
They walked down a flight of stairs into a huge room, over a thousand soldiers and navy crew stood assembled in ranks, standing to attention and saluting them as they passed.
‘Oh, here he is.’ Silent laughed, nodding towards the figure of Columbo, waiting for them at the top of a short plinth at the other side of the room. Standing beside him were nine other figures.
Charles, his butler, was wearing a smart suit of charcoal black with a white shirt, his trusty pistol in hand, a cheery smile on his face.
Beside him were two blonde men that Silent had never seen before, yet he had heard Columbo mention them, Bradgers and Scrappers, two of Columbo’s faithful followers, they were wearing strong, chocolate-like armour, similar to the Oompa Loompas.
With them was Cabbagepatch, a man who looked surprisingly like a Cabbagepatch kid. Beside him was Daly, standing at ease and holding a cage containing Philip the rabbit.
There were four more figures, but Silent had no idea who they were.
‘Good to see you again Columbo,’ Jamsie grinned, ‘Pretty crazy companions you got here. How’s it going Philip?’
‘Sup nigga?’ the rabbit replied in a deep voice.
Silent stepped back from it, ‘Oooh… kay… That was really weird.’
‘What you talkin’ bout fool?’ Philip said, ‘I’ll wup your bitch ass!’
Silent laughed, ‘Yeah, sure you will, related to the killer rabbit in Monty Python eh?’
‘What da fuck you talking about?!’ the bunny snarled.
‘Alright fellows, calm down.’ Columbo said happily.
‘Yeah, cool it rabbit.’ Sarah replied, ‘Never thought I’d say those words…’
Columbo laughed. ‘That was a hoot and a holler. Anyway, you guys plan on telling me where you’ve been for the past three weeks?’
‘Allow me.’ Dopeman stepped forwards, beaming. ‘It started on a dark and lonely night. An owl hooted…

Three hours later, they finally got up off the carpeted floor.
‘Well, it seems that awards and medals are in order. How does that sound?’ Columbo grinned.
‘Sounds good to me.’ Silent laughed.
‘Sir? Lord Columbo?’ a young woman on a nearby console called.
‘Yes dear?’ he asked.
‘Another whisper near Io, probes are en route.’
Columbo nodded, ‘We may have to cut this short.’
A door opened behind them, two people stepped in. On was a tall, dark-skinned man with a short white beard and grey hair. He was Kofi Annan, president of the United Nations. The other was a young women, barely in her twenties, she was wearing a light grey jumpsuit and had long brunette hair.
Sarah turned and ran, arms outstretched to the woman and hugged her tightly. The woman hugged her back and they held each other close. She was crying softly.
Silent stared at them. Sarah’s eyes were watering.
‘Rachael… I’m so sorry. I’m so so sorry about Jason.’
‘It’s alright Sarah… I’m just… It’s so sudden.’ Rachael Lochs replied, wiping her eyes with her sleeve. She glanced up, noticing Silent, she turned back to Sarah, ‘Is this him?’
Sarah smiled softly, ‘Yeah, this is Silent.’
Rachael smiled a watery smile and Silent saw how beautiful she looked. ‘So, you’re my best friend’s man. Pleased to meet you.’
‘Pleased to meet you too.’ Silent smiled warmly, shaking her hand.
Sarah smiled, turning to Kofi Annan, ‘It is an honour to meet you sir.’
‘The pleasure is all mine.’ He replied, warmly. ‘Now, I believe that Lord Columbo was about to hold an award ceremony.’
‘Indeed Mr. President. Sorry I forgot to inform you, but you know how it is with these things. I can forget things in all the excitement.’ Columbo beamed, dancing jauntily on the spot to nervous looks from his followers.
‘Anyway, for courage and outstanding achievements, I hereby award Silent, Sarah, Jamsie, Obeseman, Jeevsie, Dopeman and Johnny with the Medal of Honour.’ He grinned, handing out the medals. ‘Timmy, good boy, you’ve earned a bone.’
He patted Timmy on the head before throwing a squeaky bone toy in the corner, after which the rat-thing chased.
Columbo turned solemn, though still with a hint of joy and mischief as he approached Rachael, holding out a medal. ‘To Captain Jason Lochs, your father was a brave man who upheld the UN to his death against insurmountable odds. The navy has lost one of its finest.’
Rachael closed her hand over the medal, eyes watering again. Sarah put her arm around her.
‘Sir.’ A deep grilled voice echoed by heavy breathing began. It was coming from one of the three figures near Columbo Silent had never seen before. He was tall and was encased in a suit of black chocolate armour. He was wearing a helmet that looked very similar to that of Darth Vader’s in Star Wars. ‘We’ve detected movement, slipspace ruptures coming out of real space nearby.’
‘Dark Chocolate speaks true my master.’ Said another figure, he was smaller and wore a black robe, holding a double-bladed chocolate sword at his side, he was bald, except for the strange, maulteaser-like balls that dotted his cranium. 'There is an enemy fleet approaching. It looks like our defences are about to be checked for the first time.’
‘Excellent Lord Maulteaser. Count Cocoa, get to Earth, protect Knockbeg Palace. Dark Leader, get to your ship and get Dark Squadron out there.’ Charles ordered.
Count Cocoa turned to leave, he was older than the others, with a white chocolate beard and hair, he also wore a black robe. It took Silent a few minutes to register that these men were not just wearing chocolate, they were chocolate!
The final man, Dark Leader, wore a spiky suit of dark chocolate armour and wore a heavy rebreather mask, presumably for space operations. Silent had never seen stranger creatures in his life and wasn’t sure if he was correct in calling them men at all.
Dark Leader left the room hurriedly as Columbo turned to the others.
‘Alright everyone, you heard them. We’re under attack. Let’s defend this station.’
‘I’m going to my ship,’ Rachael declared.
‘We’ll come with you.’ Silent and Sarah said together.
‘Let’s get going!’ Dopeman grinned.

Chapter Fourteen: Suburbs


The pair of dropships swooped quickly over the large houses and skyscrapers of Old Mombasa, Africa. They were getting reports that the Conglomerate were starting to retreat from the atmosphere, yet they were leaving their ground forces behind.
As the ships moved along, Rachael sent a communication to them from the Out Cyan Bare, ‘The Conglomerate battle net keeps sending a repeating report. It’s made up of just one word, Justice, Justice, Justice.’
‘Catchy, any idea what it might mean?’ Sarah asked.
They all glanced around at Johnny, who thought for a moment before shaking his head, ‘Nope, I got nothing.’
‘Oh well, let’s just get to that enemy ship and kill everything on board, sounds like the right thing to do anyway,’ Jamsie replied.
‘Sure does,’ answered Obeseman, licking his lips, ‘Tasty too.’
‘Hey, leave the spleens for me!’ Johnny argued.
‘I don’t leave anything behind.’ Obeseman replied with a mischievous grin.
‘Alright, well, the enemy vessel is up just ahead, we’ll be there in –whoa, what the hell is that thing?!’ Silent yelled, pointing out of the cockpit window at a massive construct.
It was roughly the size of a small skyscraper, in the shape of a vast insect, supported by an abundant mass of scuttling legs, each the size of a double-decker bus. Dark green in colour, the mechanical millipede reared on its hind legs, a pair of twin pulse cannons in place of its vicious mandibles prepared to fire. Silent could spot a small host of Conglomerate units, stretching from lemmings to Russiians carried on its back in a mechanical howdah. The pulse cannons opened fire and before the dropships could maneuver, one was struck and exploded, crashing down onto a building below, bursting into a vast fireball. The Conglomerate on the back began to fire too, small needles burst through the cockpit window of Silent’s dropship, hitting the pilot in the neck, killing him instantly. A pulse hit the ship in the engines and the vessel was soon plummeting to the ground.
‘Everyone, get down on the ground, we’re going down!’ Silent yelled, crashing to the floor as the ship dive-bombed, hitting the side of a skyscraper and flipping over to land on its back in the midst of a suburban district.
Silent very slowly opened his eyes. He could feel a warm trickle of blood seeping down his brow and the cold hard grating of dust lay in his eyes. He blinked the dust out and very slowly stood up. He could hear groans all around him. He looked around.
Dopeman and Obeseman were standing with their backs to a wall, chatting casually. Timmy was inside a dustbin, his legs sticking out the top in cartoonish fashion. Sarah was shaking her head and making sure she was all still in one piece. Jeevsie and Jamsie were helping each other up and Johnny was clutching a bleeding arm. So everyone was relatively unharmed despite the chaos of the landing. Oh and the two pilots and five-man fireteam of unnamed soldiers were all dead.
‘Typical,’ Dopeman voiced, ‘Only the people I know the names of ever seem to survive these kind of things.’
‘Yeah, that’s getting a bit weird,’ Sarah replied, shakily, stumbling towards him over the wreckage, followed by the others.
‘Any idea what that machine was?’ Silent asked the group in general. They all shrugged.
‘Well it just looked like a big, scary, metal death-spitting millipede to me.’ Obeseman answered.
‘Well then, you’re probably right, that’s just what it was.’ Dopeman replied, ‘Now the question is, where do we go from here.’
As if to answer his question, there was only one pathway out of the enclosed courtyard they had crashed down in. They hurried down the pathway, then down a stairs and out into a vast, open stone-courtyard with a massive two-storey building in the centre. Yet they were not alone: It was full of Conglomerate soldiers.
‘Ah.’ Silent said aloud, staring around at the usual bunch: halflings, lemmings and Russiians. They turned, almost as one and began to fire.
The mafia dived behind cover, sporadically firing at the Conglomerate, many of whom were out in the open and were quickly killed. Obeseman took several blasts to his chest but they merely pinged off his massive bulk and back into the firers.
‘Do you want to solve this the fun way or the hard way?’ Dopeman yelled over the din of battle.
Silent turned to him and grinned, ‘Why, the fun way of course!’
Dopeman laughed and opened a warphole in front of them, leaving it open. Soon something crawled out of it, a large monster with six spindly legs reared up above the Conglomerate. The creature was light blue in colour, it had an elongated head with rows of sharp fangs in its smiling, curved mouth. The beast charged at the Conglomerate and ripped apart the first two Russiians with its claw-like front legs before rushing forwards and barreling another pair off their feet, biting the head off a lemming as it went.
‘What is that?’ Jamsie asked Dopeman.
‘An acklay!’ he yelled in reply, ‘Pulled it out of Felucia, from the Star Wars universe. Cool huh?’
Silent smiled, ‘Yeah it is.’
They watched as the acklay tore into the Conglomerate units around the courtyard until it eventually collapsed from its wounds and died, leaving dead Conglomerate strewn everywhere. All the enemy in the open were now dead, only those garrisoning the building still remained.
Dopeman closed the Felucia portal and opened another. He turned to the others with a wink as a large, half red and half white ball rolled out. It had a pair of eyes and a thin black line that took the role of its mouth around its rim.
Dopeman pointed at the building, ‘Electrode go! Use explosion on that building!’
The ball rolled into the building at incredible speed and they heard it yell in a half robotic tone, ‘Electrode!’
Then there was a blinding flash and the building erupted, leaving blackened husks of corpses amidst the rubble. Dopeman pulled out a small red and white pokèball, ‘Electrode return!’
The ruined body of the electrode shot into the smaller ball in a stream of red light. Dopeman turned to the others. ‘And that’s the end of that. We should do that more often.’
‘That was awesome!’ Sarah grinned.
‘Yeah, you really should do that a lot more often,’ Silent replied, ‘Anyway, let’s get going, we have to find a way back to the ship and kill that metal millipede.’
‘Yeah, let’s head down this street, you can see the enemy ship in the atmosphere over there.’ Jeevsie said, pointing to the north at the massive construct moving above them.
They headed through, meeting a pair of Mochs along the way, yet they fell quickly to Dopeman’s picksaber before they had a chance to fight back. Clambering over their huge corpses, they fought their way through the Conglomerate overrunning the streets to meet up with a small force of UN marines who were holding up in a hotel against the enclosing enemy.
Leaving the marines to their duty, the mafia pushed on, soon arriving on a small beachhead where Conglomerate troops were being dropped out of orbit, crashing into the sand, ready to fight. Dropships swooped down from the main vessel, disgorging more troops as they engaged with the UN and civilian militia of Old Mombasa, the city in which they had landed.
Silent led the charge onto the beach, assault rifle blazing at the approaching soldiers. Penguins waddled forwards, shooting their strange lasers and killing several of the militia. Jamsie gunned them down with precise shots as Jeevsie backed him up. Timmy ran through the battlefield, covering his ears with his hands to stop the din of noise until he passed a small pile of sand, stopped and began constructing a sand castle.
Obeseman summoned five of his fat guy helpers and turned to them. ‘Mafia rollout!’
As one, they tucked in their arms and rolled towards the enemy, mouths open. With a crash, they collided, crushing and swallowing whole ranks of the enemy troops.
Silent’s shoulder pauldrons was blasted off as he engaged the leading Russiian in close combat, knocking the pickaxe aside before decapitating him with a backhand. Kicking the body away, he drew his pistols and advanced upon the now fleeing lemmings, blazing away.
One lemming turned, a broken vase in hand, he raised it above his head and with a cry, brought it crashing down on Silent’s knee. The lemming looked up, triumphant, only to see Silent looking slightly puzzled as he watched the shards of china smash easily off his tough armoured knee pad.
The lemming’s smile faded and it screamed before turning and running away at top speed. Silent shrugged and moved on, wrestling another Russiian to the ground before shooting him in the head.
It was not long before the majority of the enemy force was put to flight and the mafia headed onwards, leaving the mop up to the UN. As they ran across the beach back into the sprawling suburbs, they spotted the mechanical monstrosity of the millipede crawling over the subway.
They headed into the blown out section of the subway below it. Clambering over the rubble to drop down onto the vast mag-rail lines. As they ran through, Sarah announced that she had picked up the Conglomerate battle-net and was surprised to find that the Conglomerate had not expected to find Earth in this sector of space, despite the fact that both Germania and Russiia knew the location of their mother planet.
‘They must have lost Earth’s location on their records,’ she voiced, a little unsure, ‘Still, it explains why they had such a small fleet.’
‘Yeah, whoa, head’s up, we’ve got Conglomerate down here!’ Silent called out, pointing up ahead, where small patrol teams of Russiians and lemmings were scuttling through the subway lines.
‘No rest for the wicked, eh?’ Dopeman grinned to Obeseman.
‘You’re damn right.’ Obeseman replied, ‘Why don’t we just try another lucky dip with the warphole?’
‘Good idea,’ Dopeman smiled, spinning Bob in hand before him as another shimmering gate in reality opened.
A man-sized monkey rolled out of the portal. It was brown in colour and strangely wore a white T-shirt and blue trousers. It had a cap on its head, a spoon in its hand and a bowl of cereal in its lap.
‘Oh my God, it’s the Coco Pops monkey!’ Silent yelled, just before a laser blast hit it, dashing its brain allowance across the floor.
‘Ah,’ Dopeman said, awkwardly, ‘Let’s try another gate, shall we?’
The warp spun itself into reality before their eyes as they heard a noise of thundering hooves.
‘Ok, this sounds like it’s going to be good.’ Dopeman smiled as six thousand horsemen burst through the warp, scattering pebbles off the subway line, before crashing into the Conglomerate, slaughtering them all and disappearing into another warphole Dopeman opened on the other side.
‘Whew,’ Dopeman panted, reappearing beside the others, ‘Charge of the Rohirrim at the Pellenor Fields, awesome huh?’
‘Wow, they slaughtered the Conglomerate!’ Jamsie smiled.
‘I like horses.’ Timmy grinned.
‘Yes Timmy, we know you do.’ Sarah smiled, patting the creature on the head.
‘Well c’mon, the subway line isn’t all that long and I’m sure that millipede will be there somewhere, we’ll be able to take it out then.’ Dopeman said, leading the way over the Conglomerate corpses.
About halfway through the deserted lines, they heard gunfire up above them. It sounded like concentrated laser and missile fire. Seconds later, there was a thunderous sound and the road above them rattled as a large area of the highway above collapsed downwards, rubble and dead bodies erupting downwards, forcing the mafia to hide and drop to the ground as the rubble crashed over them.
As the dust settled, Silent rubbed his eyes of the granules that had managed to get into his pupils and blinked upwards, staring out into the skyline above. The massive form of the millipede crawled over the vast hole above him and barged onwards, seeking new prey.
Slowly but surely, the Mafia got to their feet, rubbing dust off their clothes as they prepared to continue onwards.
‘Ok, that thing is getting scarier by the minute,’ Obeseman voiced, ‘How are we going to take it out?’
‘Easily, we’re gods remember!?’ Dopeman replied.
‘I know Dopeman, I was just trying to add some drama and emotion to this thing! Gawh!’
They headed further down the tunnel before stopping as they reached a hillpoint where the tunnel sloped upwards, then sharply downwards with the road slightly smashed and broken.
Down at the bottom, near the exit to the outside, was a large, hastily constructed Conglomerate outpost. The Mafia crouched down carefully behind some broken road and peered down at the outpost. Silent took out his binoculars and slowly looked over the outpost.
‘What have we got, Silent?’ Sarah asked, watching intently.
‘There’s the usual, Russiians, Halflings, Lemmings, they’re supported by some of those orb turrets mounted on some burnt out cars. Oh and there’s some other thing down there. I’ve never seen anything quite like it.’ He replied.
‘What is it?’ Johnny asked.
‘It’s some sort of alien thing, sitting in a hoverchair. It kinda looks like a dried up hammerhead shark in a red robe. It’s got one hell of a halberd in its hands.’ He said.
‘Sounds like it could be an important leader, we better kill it or even capture it.’ Dopeman said.
Sarah turned to him, surprised, ‘Dopeman that’s the most tactically adept observation I have ever heard you make.’
‘Why thank you my dear, I do have my moments,’ he replied, with a wink. ‘Would it ruin it to say I just said that to impress you and I’m really just going to kill the thing and use its bones to make a new bong?’
She frowned, ‘Yes, yes it would.’
He sighed, ‘Pity… I had a feeling I shouldn’t have said that.’
‘Alright, let’s just kill it and get going.’ Silent voiced, grabbing Timmy by the arms up to his feet and pushing him towards the enemy, who were oblivious to their oncoming doom.
The group moved quickly downwards, dodging behind the cover of rubble piles as the Conglomerate noticed them and began to open fire. They could already here the screams of the strange new foe as he called out to his followers.
‘Kill them! Kill them all! Let the prophets know it was me, me and me alone who slew our greatest enemies! Me I tell you!’ it roared insanely.
‘Seriously, what the hell is that thing?’ Sarah asked to know one in particular.
‘Looks like it might be one of the Conglomerate’s religious leaders, y’know a prophet.’ Obeseman replied, pushing aside a small lemming who had charged at him with a lance mounted on a small dog.
‘I didn’t know they had prophets,’ Sarah answered, ‘How do you know?’
‘Oh… no reason.’ Obeseman trailed off, slightly suspiciously.
Sarah shrugged, hefting her sniper rifle to her shoulder and firing, splitting a Russiian’s helmet open and spewing his brains over the rubble.
The Conglomerate laser rounds found their marks several times, scarring the end of Timmy’s long tail and peeling off the prosthetic flesh built up over Jamsie’s mechanized leg – replaced since his human leg was torn off by a moch. Another blast splashed white-hot laser burn across Silent’s right cheek. He snarled in pain, shooting the offending marksman in the face with a high-calibre pistol round, blasting its head apart.
Silent crashed to the ground behind a broken piece of wall, he touched his hand to the burn, feeling it sting. He turned, shouting over to the others.
‘Hey Sarah, how do I look? Does this scar ruin my complexion?’
‘You look gorgeous darling!’ she yelled back in reply, with a laugh, ‘It makes you look dangerous and imposing!’
He pulled a sarcastic look in return to her, before blind-firing over the wall with his sub-machine guns. With the sheer hail of firepower blasting at the Conglomerate, there were soon too few of them to put up any real resistance, so the Mafia reneged on their cover and headed towards them with melee weapons at the ready, Johnny ever at the front with his chainsaws.
He approached the prophet, who turned to him, vehemence etched on every line of his face.
‘That chainsaw is mine,’ the creature said, eyes fixed on the weapon.
Johnny stopped, puzzled, as the others slew the Conglomerate around them. ‘Eh, no… this is mine.’
‘No. Mine.’
‘Mine.’
‘Mine.’
Johnny lunged forwards, blade chopping at the prophet, who blocked with his halberd, twisted the blade and flicked the chainsaw out of Johnny’s hand.
There was a moment of pause as everyone stopped to see the chainsaw spin out of Johnny’s hands and land in the prophet’s hand.
‘Aha, you see, the prophet of Greed always gets what he wants!’ the creature yelled in a supremacy call.
‘And what do you want now?’ Johnny asked.
‘Simple, your other chainsaw.’ Greed grinned, nastily.
‘Seems fair to me,’ the cannibal replied, handing it over, much to everyone’s surprise.
‘Johnny, what are you-‘ Silent began, but Johnny cut him short with a curt nod.
Johnny turned back to Greed, a grenade in his hand. ‘I don’t suppose you want this nice grenade do you?’
Greed’s eyes widened, ‘Yes. I. Want. That.’
‘Even if I do this?’ Johnny grinned, pulling out the pin, before holding it out before him.
Greed paused, his eyes shifting uneasily as time began to tick by. Finally, he could no longer wait, the urge was too great and he pulled it from Johnny’s hand, holding it close to his chest and roaring, ‘Mine!’
The others dived away as the grenade exploded, showering them all in blood and guts. Blinking the creature’s blood from their eyes, they spotted its upper torso still alive and crawling on the ground.
It was desperately scrabbling for its innards, pulling them towards itself, ‘My spleen, my intestines, my legs!’
Johnny marched over, picking up both his chainsaws from the ground and pulled the spleen from the prophet. ‘No, this is my god-damn spleen!’
He severed the prophet’s head and turned to the others, ‘Let’s kill us a fricken’ millipede!’