Post by Silent on Aug 18, 2012 20:06:29 GMT -5
Chapter 6: Broomsticks and Assassins
The next morning, the trio strode out into a typical New York day: traffic jams a mile long, millions of pedestrians and not a cloud in the sky.
They began to wade through the crowds, which was not easy as they didn’t want to get in any arguments. Slowly and steadily, they made their way through.
Silent did not need to worry as several NYPD cars strolled passed; few people knew him outside of his own planet. They passed by the fogged up windows of a lap dance club.
‘What’s in there?’ asked Timmy, turning his head.
‘A horrible dragon who will burn you up,’ replied Silent. Timmy screamed in reply and sped ahead.
‘God, he’d believe anything,’ said Jamsie.
God suddenly appeared, ‘You called?’ he said.
‘No, God, I didn’t mean you,’ replied Jamsie, hastily.
‘Right, I’ll just go then,’ said God, then looked up into the sky, ‘Damn it, that bloody man has opened another one!’
He disappeared. The trio looked where God had been staring. In the sky were things flying, fireworks all around them. Silent pulled out his binoculars and took a closer look.
‘I don’t believe it,’ he said, ‘It’s Harry Potter!’
‘What?’ shouted Jamsie.
‘Seriously look,’ replied Silent, handing the device over.
Jamsie took the binoculars and peered out through them. He saw a large black motorbike with a huge man sitting on it. All around were people on broomsticks. Magical blasts burst around them. Then James saw him, the boy was leaning over the sidecar of the motorbike shooting red sparks at those chasing him.
Jamsie heard a rifle-lock and a bullet shattered through the air. The bullet suddenly turned green as it whipped through the air, swooping over Harry’s head.
Putting the binoculars down, Jamsie saw Silent readying another rifle-shot behind him. Turning, he looked up into the air to an extraordinary sight; a solid brick wall, erupted out of the exhaust pipe. It expanded into being in mid-air. Three of the Death Eaters swerved to avoid it, but the forth was not so lucky. He crashed into the wall and fell like a boulder.
‘Oh my God!’ shouted Jamsie, ‘Did you see that?!!!’
‘Holy crap!’ said Silent, ‘A friggin’ wall!’
‘What’s that?’ asked Timmy, looking up; a net had just thrust itself from the bike at the Death Eaters, but they avoided it and had brought back their fallen companion.
With that, Jamsie turned to his heavy suitcase, inside: an RPG. The bike, meanwhile, had just sprouted dragon-fire and had burst forward with frightening speed. The bike creaked as it slowed and Silent fired, hitting one of the sidecar supports. The sidecar lurched and began to fall. Silent loaded and fired again when the giant leaned over to fix it. The sidecar fell and the huge man pulled out Harry. Silent cursed as the carriage fell and Jamsie fired.
The rocket flew through the air and exploded, utterly destroying the sidecar.
‘Did I get him?’ asked Jamsie.
‘No,’ replied Silent, ‘Hagrid pulled him out.’
Meanwhile. God was in the sky, working frantically to stop disaster. He turned Silent’s bullets into green spells and Jamsie’s rocket into a confringo. But he really lost it when killed Mad-Eye Moody. God had to make him look like Voldemort and when the toothpick flew at Moody he had to turn it green.
Then caught up with Harry and was throwing a deadly toothpick at him, God had to take control of Harry’s wand and destroy the toothpick. Then got annoyed and fled and God had to replace him with Voldemort. He then had to quickly reopen the portal which forced Harry to crash land in Tonk’s garden.
Later, God sat down thinking to himself, that is the last time I save Harry Potter.
‘Damn it! Why didn’t Potter die?’ shouted Silent, turning to Jamsie, ‘Come on, let’s get to work.’
Jamsie packed up the rag hurriedly; he had attracted enough attention already. Timmy was blinking ferociously, not sure if he was aware of what was going on. He decided just to ignore what he saw and to follow the others.
The purpose was now realised. The entity smiled. It knew what it had to do. It knew the planet where its target rested. The ethereal form turned back to the creator, staring at it with nothing but sheer and complete admiration.
Looking over the picture of its target again, the creature took in every detail. The cool, jet-black hair slick upon his head. The terrible suit of onyx armour which completely encased the man’s body. The bandolier of toothpicks played across his chest. The tired, weathered eyes of a thousand billion years. The shining silver toothpick that rested on his shoulder.
Yes… the entity now had a purpose. A target and a destination… the planet known only as Earth.
The group turned into the alley with the Mafia base and knocked, Belgor opened the door, showing them in.
‘Good to see you. Nice work dropping the Gatachi, I’ve got something for you.’ he said, handing Jamsie and Silent some sort of spray can with a pin. He then handed Timmy a squeaky toy.
‘What are they?’ asked Silent, examining the device.
‘It’s a prototype gas shield. You remove the pin and the gas blocks up the area where you are. The gas secretes a highly potent acid that dissolves, slows or impairs the casings of most bullets before they can reach you.’ replied Belgor. ‘They work best in confined spaces and tend to disperse outside, so use them wisely.’
‘Thanks Belgor,’ said Silent, ‘These are great!’
‘You’re welcome. Now you better hurry, the Godfather wants to see you.’ replied the scientist.
Silent walked down the long corridor to the dark office, followed by the other two. He opened the door to find two more men. One was tall with short curly black hair and watery blue eyes. The other was short and bald.
‘Ah fellas,’ greeted the Godfather. ‘Good work the other day. Silent, may I introduce Mr. June...’ pointing to the bald man, ‘... and Mr. Proway.’ pointing to the other.
‘Pleased to meet you,’ they all said, shaking hands.
‘These two train new initiates into the institute. Well, they train thugs mainly, because they don’t have the sense to look after themselves. Not to say that these two aren’t smart, together they took out one of the largest criminal gangs in Russia,’ said the Godfather ‘Anyway, Silent, I have a special job for you. There’s a Starbucks down West Jackson Street. I need you to go there and meet your new team member. You must go alone and see who they are for yourself. I’m not going to tell you anything about them. I want you to consider it as a test.’
‘Very well, what time will they arrive at Starbucks?’ inquired Silent.
‘Half an hour from now, Jeevsie will drive you there, unless you want to walk?’ asked the Godfather.
‘I think I’ll walk, it takes a while to get through all of the traffic.’
‘Good idea,’ replied the Godfather, ‘I look forward to hearing from you.’
As the others left the room, the Godfather smiled as the dark shape fell from the ceiling.
‘Did you hear everything you needed?’ asked the Godfather.
The figure nodded and disappeared into the shadows.
Silent left the building and walked quickly across the street. West Jackson wasn’t too far away. He could already see the sign in the distance.
He looked around when he reached the street. It could be anyone, anything. He entered the Starbucks. Immediately, he had no idea what to do.
The place was packed with humans, Maschins, even the odd Troggle(A large hairy dog-lizard). He walked over to the waitress, a beautiful young blond-haired woman.
‘Excuse me miss, you don’t know if anyone is waiting for me, do you?’
She smiled, ‘Blind date, is it? There’s a couple of people around here waiting for someone. I’ll show you round to them if you like?’
‘That’d be great, thanks!’ replied Silent, following her to a table near the window. A Maschin was sitting there with a large spear in one hand.
The waitress whispered, ‘I don’t think he’s here for a date.’
‘Well, I’m not really here for one either, more a business interview.’ replied Silent, turning to the beetle, ‘You wouldn’t happen to be looking for me, would you?’
‘Who the fuck are you, where’s Zorag?’ replied the creature angrily.
‘I take that as a no,’ said Silent, turning back to the waitress. They moved swiftly away.
‘Well, that could’ve gone better,’ she said ‘Here’s another one.’ she finished, pointing to a bald man sitting alone. He had a large snake tattoo along the side of his face and a briefcase.
Silent sat down. ‘Hello, who are you waiting for?’
‘What’s it to you?’ the guy asked, before spotting his guns, ‘Mafia right?’
‘Yeah, you the guy I’m supposed to meet?’ inquired Silent.
‘Suppose so. I’m supposed to join you. Well, tell me what you expect from me. I’ll do it. See the briefcase. Inside: One million dollars. In cash. I provide it to the Godfather in exchange for my position.’
Across the street, a bullet rang out and the firer smiled, ‘Sorry, position’s filled!’
Silent stared in shock as the cafe was sprayed with blood. There was a hole in the guy’s head. The waitress screamed and ran as Silent stared across the street, spotting someone running down an alley with a gun.
He burst through the shattered window, smashing through the crowds, flipping over the bonnet of a taxi and hurtled into the alley. It was deserted.
He followed the curve into the next alley and another shot rang out, scraping his chest plate. Suddenly, he smelled burning and stared down. The bullet had contained hydrofluoric acid and broke apart when it hit the plasteel. It was eroding through his armour, he tore it off and drew his pistols.
Staring around in all directions, he could not see his attacker. Suddenly a window smashed and out burst a figure slicing both of his gloves with wristblades, forcing him to drop his guns.
So sudden was the attack that it caught him off balance. He fell and his assailant was gone before he could draw his flamethrower. All that he saw of the attacker was a dark shadow.
He sprinted quickly to the Mafia base. He was just down the alley when he heard a jetpack propulsion noise and was whacked in the back, knocking the weapon from his grasp and sending him sprawling on the hard pavement.
A wristblade held his head to the ground, barely missing his skin.
The Godfather walked out, clapping, ‘Wonderful, wonderful!’
Silent was puzzled as the wristblade withdrew. He turned to the outstretched hand of the assassin, who helped him up. The attacker was tall, though not as tall as him and slender, almost attractive. Silent then hoped it wasn’t a man.
‘Silent,’ said the Godfather, ‘Meet your new team member.’
The assassin pulled off their black mask and shook out a mass of long dark hair.
‘Hi,’ she smiled, shaking the bewildered Silent’s hand, ‘I’m Sarah.’
Chapter 7: Dopeman
Silent was in a daze, never before had he seen someone so beautiful. For once, his usual charm failed him and he ended up spluttering ‘H...He....Hi.’
‘Sorry about beating you up, em, here’s your guns back,’ she said, uncomfortably, handing him the pistols. ‘I don’t think we can fix your chest plate, Belgor’s hydrofluoric acid bullet prototype. I guess it worked.’
‘Thanks,’ said Silent, his normal voice slowly returning as he stared into her hazel eyes.
‘So, you’re my boss now then,’ she stated. ‘What do you need me to do?’
‘Well, ‘em, I’m not sure. Godfather, what next?’
‘Ah, that’s the tricky part and someone else is going to tell you about it. God?’ the Godfather called.
Jamsie and Timmy arrived on the scene in time to see God appear in a flash of white light.
‘I’ll leave you guys to it,’ said the Godfather, returning back inside.
‘So God, what is it? After the foray with the dinosaurs, I don’t know what you’ll come up with.’ said Silent, jokingly.
‘Well, my friends. Here goes nothing. In New York there is a man, or a god or a god of gods or something. I’m not quite sure - well, he’s not from my galaxy anyway… or even my universe-’
‘God, you’re speaking gibberish,’ interrupted Jamsie.
‘Hold now, it’ll all make sense in a minute. Anyway, you’ve all seen him many times before on the news and in the papers, but you’ve never properly seen him. He made Harry Potter come here and I need you to ask for his help. He could be a very very reliable ally,’ said God, ‘Anyway, look at this:’
He created a large T.V. screen in the brick wall and switched on the news.
The newsreader was speaking, the inset was a picture of the man Silent had seen on the newspaper the acid man was reading in MacDonald’s. ‘Hideous attacks on hippies have been acted out across New York recently as a vigilante or so it seems walks among us. We have discovered after several attempts that saying his name is potentially lethal. Look at the caption at the bottom of your screen now to discover his identity.’
The words read in bold: DOPEMAN. Suddenly, a toothpick appeared on screen and began to devour the word letter by letter in a Pac-man like fashion. It was over in about 4 seconds.
‘Dopema-’ began Timmy, but quickly silenced himself and covered his mouth, his small brain remembering what had been said.
The others looked at him as Jamsie urged, his eyes wide with excitement ‘That’s it, don’t be shy, say it…’
Timmy shook his head and Jamsie cursed. ‘Nearly had him.’
‘This is who you must find,’ announced God, ‘Shouldn’t be too hard, just follow the hippies. I doubt it’ll be hard to convince him to come either, I’m sure he’d love to be killing things other than hippies for a change.’
God then disappeared and Sarah smiled, ‘So, you guys ready to go?’
Soon the group was walking down the street, Jamsie scanning the area while Sarah and Silent were talking animatedly.
'Why are you called Silent? I mean it's a bit of a strange name,' asked Sarah.
'Well, it's actually then name I was assigned when I was born into my academy back on my home planet, Silent 228 is my full designation.'
‘What was your life like, up ‘til you got involved with the Mafia,’ Sarah asked Silent.
‘It’s tough to explain, I was training to be a soldier on Cakamorse, my home planet. Long story short I killed one of my companions and I was exiled. Pity, they could have used me in the first Moch war.’
‘That’s sad,’ she replied, ‘Did you ever see a Moch?’
‘No, I went into hiding just before they attacked. I couldn’t risk being spotted by the militia or they’d have had me court martialed and executed.’ he replied.
‘I have. Back on Rayclif, I was there with my friend Rachael. Her dad is a commander in the UNSF. Rayclif had a small barracks, it got hit pretty hard. Rachael and I got out just in time. Her dad is still out there. She got brought back to Mars for protection under his orders. I’d say she’ll find a way here though. Especially since the war is over now.’ she thought for a moment and turned back to Silent, ’You said First Moch War, what makes you think there’ll be another one?’
‘Well, from what I’ve heard about them, their actually a single race in a much larger conglomerate. If that’s true then I’d say that whatever the leading caste in this group is, it's just waiting for an opportunity to strike. I think that the war is far from over yet.’
‘Yes…,’ she pondered for a moment before completely changing the subject, ‘So… have you got anyone special?’
Silent was a little alarmed at the change of subject, but smiled. ‘No, but you never know. Anyone could be that girl. Have you?’
‘No, I’ve never had the chance,’ replied Sarah, laughing, ‘Rayclif is an ice planet and the only person I really got to spend time with there was Rachael. Besides, imagine trying to have sex in sub-zero temperatures.’
’Yeah,’ laughed Silent ‘So how old are you anyway?’
’Twenty, you?’
’Oh… well, not to say I’m ancient or anything, I’m fifty.’ he said, nervously.
’Fifty! But… look at you!’ she exclaimed.
’Is that a compliment?’
’Well… eh…. ’ she trailed off.
’I’m a superhuman. I wasn’t just training to be a soldier. I was a super soldier. I don’t age quite as easily as normal humans.’ he replied.
’A superhuman…’ suddenly, she laughed, ’And I still beat the crap out of you!’
’Hey, but you’re a girl, he said, trying to defend himself.
’Yeah, but you didn’t know that,’ she replied, sniggering.
They turned around a corner, passing a movie poster for AVD: Aliens versus Dopeman. An alien faced off against the mysterious vigilante, who was wielding a toothpick.
Timmy started to drool behind them. Sarah turned.
‘What are you looking at?’
The rat-eh… thing, pounced forwards and caught a rat in his teeth. He quickly swallowed it. The others winced.
’Isn’t that homicide and eh, cannibalism for you, anyway?’ Silent inquired, disgusted.
They stared at Timmy for a little longer then suddenly, someone shouted to them, ‘Hey, my friends it’s you!’
The group looked across the street to see Columbo del Monko and Charles crossing to join them.
‘Nice to see you Columbo, Charles,’ welcomed Silent, ‘This is Sarah, my new… associate.’
‘Hello beautiful,’ winked Columbo.
She smiled. ‘Nice to meet you, who’s your… bodyguard?’
‘I’m his Butler ma’am. The name is Charles. Very pleased to make your acquaintance.’ replied the burly giant.
‘Pleased to meet you too,’ she smiled. ‘You’re really well connected.’ she said to Silent.
‘Well, I’ve only been working for them for five days,’ he replied.
‘Still, anyone else to jump out at me?’
‘Well, Farrell and Tony are back at the base. You’ve met Belgor. Mr. June and Mr. Proway I met today-’
‘I saw them too. I was in the room with you… on the ceiling.’ she interrupted.
‘That’s quite impressive!’ he exclaimed. ‘Ah, you still haven’t met Johnny!’
‘Johnny, who’s he?’ she inquired.
‘To be honest, I’m not sure if you’d want to know…’ he replied nervously when suddenly, Johnny’s head pushed in between the pair of them. ‘Know what?’
‘Ah, Johnny… good to see you… I hope… er… how did you like the guards?’ Silent asked cautiously.
‘Wonderful, went great with fried rice!’ he roared with laughter.
‘Eh… fried rice?’ Sarah asked, a little frightened.
‘Well, he’s a …. he’s a cannibal…’ Silent said in answer to her question.
‘A cannibal…’ she slowly said, nodding her head. ‘I’m talking to a cannibal. Johnny, when you look at me, do you think about eating me?’
‘No,’ he replied, ‘I’m thinking about fucking you!’
‘Well, that’s a relief,’ she said… ‘Hang on a minute-’
‘Okay, let’s calm down,’ said Silent, ‘We have to find this guy,’ he pointed to the AVD poster, ‘Would you guys like to help us?’
‘Sure,’ replied Columbo, ‘I’ve never done anything with you guys before. It should be fun.’
‘Do we get to eat him?’ asked Johnny, furiously licking his lips.
‘No, Johnny we need his help,’ Silent answered, sternly.
‘Then count me out, but call me if you need me to kill anyone. You know where to find me.’ he said, walking off.
‘So, why do we need his help, this Dope fellow?’ asked Columbo.
‘Be careful not to say his name, it’s lethal. God asked us to get him. I’m guessing he needs us all for something big.’ replied Silent.
‘Oh, good, it’s been too long since we had a good old fashioned shootout.’ said Columbo, laughing ‘Isn’t that right, Charles?’
‘Of course sir,’ replied the butler.
‘Well, let’s get on and look for this guy then, everyone keep your eyes peeled,’ said Silent.
They advanced down three more streets. Seeing nothing much but clothes shops and supermarkets. Not far ahead was the burnt out MacDonald’s.
Silent sighed, ‘Seems just like it was yesterday.’
‘That was you!’ Sarah exclaimed. ‘You blew up MacDonald’s. That is so cool.’
‘Yeah, it was fun. Potassium burger, Timmy as Ronald MacDonald…’
‘Classic.’ sighed Jamsie.
Another street down was completely empty. Not soul in sight. Suddenly they heard the sound of scuffling up ahead. A slashing noise, a spray of blood on the pavement and a scream.
A man ran out with a long ponytail, flowery shirt and shorts. A toothpick attached to a string hit him in the back and pulled him back in, screaming.
The group hurried into the alley to see the last man cut down. Another man stood there alone. Scattered about the alleyway were dead hippies everywhere.
The man raised his head, his eyes red with fury, suddenly turning blue with calm. His dark red cape fluttered although there was no wind and on his shoulder a silver toothpick sat.
He walked over to the astonished Silent and the others and announced ‘I am Dopeman!’
‘So, you’re real then!’ exclaimed Silent.
‘What’s it to you… human?’ he asked.
‘God sent us here to-’ stated Silent.
‘Wait a minute… God?!… you guys aren’t some sort of religious group are you?’
‘No, it’s not like that at all, he needs your help,’ explained Silent, ‘I don’t know why, but if you please come with us he can tell you.’
‘Alright then,’ blurted the… man ‘But if it’s something shitty I’m not doing it.’
He moved through each one of the group, individually inspecting them.
‘Who… what… and why the hell are you?’ he asked Timmy.
‘I’m a mentally retarded rat-man,’ Timmy replied dreamily, ‘That’s what the doctor said. Then he gave me a lollipop.’
Dopeman frowned and continued, ‘Who are you?’
‘I’m Columbo del Monko. I work for the Mafia.’
‘Ah, the Mafia. I’m guessing you guys are an organisation and not a proper mafia. ‘Cos frankly, none of you are Italian. So is that where you’re taking me? Since when did God help you?’ Dopeman asked.
‘Yes we are an organisation, yes that’s where we’re taking you and God happens to be our friend.’ replied Silent in a flurry of answers.
‘Ok… well, who are you my little giant?’ he asked Charles.
‘I am Charles dear sir, butler of Columbo del Monko.’
‘And you follow him everywhere?’ he inquired.
‘He’s something of a bodyguard.’ answered Jamsie.
‘Well… who are you?’
‘I’m Jamsie. I work for the Mafia too. Look let’s make this simple, we all work for the Mafia. I’m a drug dealer. I don’t take the stuff though.’
‘Ah, my good man. I’m certain I’ll find a use for you… now-’ he spotted Sarah. ‘Hello there you sexy… person.’
He waltzed over to her and felt her ass. Before anyone blinked, her wristblade went through his neck.
He coughed and spluttered as his blood leaked out. ‘Note to self… don’t… touch… the girl.’
She withdrew her blade as he straightened up. The wound in his neck had already healed.
‘What the hell?’ exclaimed Silent in amazement.
‘What?’ asked Dopeman, ‘Oh yes, I’m invincible.’
Back at the base, God sat opposite the Godfather.
‘God, I still can’t figure you out, are you good or evil?’ he asked.
‘You assume because I help you, I could be evil?’ questioned God. ‘No, you don’t realise it yet, but in the long run you guys are good.’
The Godfather frowned as God continued.
‘Don’t believe me? Look at the facts. The Gatachi’s accounted for three-quarters of the killings in this city. You accounted for less than one hundredth. You beat the Gatachi’s. Now over five thousand people who should have been killed over the next year are alive, and this place you are about to destroy is run by some of the greatest terrorists in the world. Listen to that and tell me you’re not good?’
‘I see what you mean, I suppose we are good guys,’ replied the Godfather, smiling suddenly. ‘I had no idea good guys lived so well. Every time I think of a good guy I see some guy in a rag in a beehive hut somewhere.’
‘No, that’s just St. Colmcille.’ replied God.
The door opened and in walked the gang. Dopeman stepped forwards and announced himself. ‘So God, we meet at last.’
Chapter 8: Good Old Fashioned Terrorism
The two titans stared each other down. God on one side, Dopeman on the other. Dopeman broke the silence.
‘So God, what is it you want of me?’
‘Something that should please you,’ replied God, ‘The hippies are moving out of the city and we need your help. We are going to destroy one of the largest terrorist compounds in the world. Led by the mysterious Dragutin Pasia.’
‘Sounds fun. I’ll consider it… if?’ he turned to Sarah, ‘You sleep with me?’
Again her wristblade pierced his throat and he slowly relaxed as she pulled it out.
‘Oh well,’ he groaned. ‘It was worth as shot.’
He turned to God, ‘I’ll do it!’
‘Fantastic,’ he replied, ‘Now, follow me all of you… to Belgor’s lab.’
It was the first time Silent had seen everyone together. God talked with Dopeman in front while Silent, Sarah, Jamsie, Timmy, Belgor, Johnny, Columbo, Charles, Mr. June, Mr. Proway, Jeevsie, Farrell and Tony sat watching.
‘Right, if everyone is settled, I’ll begin,’ god announced. He pointed to a large map of Germany. He pointed to a forested area near Nuremberg. ‘Here is the forest of Gretenstag. This is where we shall rendezvous. We believe that the terrorists have turned the village located within the trees into a militarised base. Of course, I already knew that. I’m God.
‘We will go into the base once ready in three groups. Group one, led by me, shall include Silent, Sarah, Jamsie, Timmy, Belgor and Johnny. Group two, led by the Godfather shall be Columbo, Charles, Mr. June, Mr. Proway, Farrell and Tony. Finally Group three, shall be Dopeman.
‘We will attack from three different fronts. Group One will come through the local chapel - I have a way with churches. Group Two will kill the sentries and Group Three will take out anything left.’
‘Go Group Three!’ shouted Dopeman.
‘Yes, now Dopeman - you’ll notice I’m not dead - and I have made an agreement,’ said God.
‘Yes, I have promised not to slay any of you if you say my name. Go ahead, say it,’ announced Dopeman.
‘Dopeman,’ said Silent.
‘Excellent, the only person or eh… thing that can’t say it is Timmy. Sorry Timmy.’ said Dopeman, smiling.
Timmy blinked and waved, ‘Hello.’
He then turned to Sarah as if he had never seen her before and mumbled, ‘You’re pretty.’
‘Thanks… eh… Timmy,’ she replied, slowly, ‘So, when are we going?’
‘Tonight, pack your things,’ said God, ‘The plane will be ready soon.’
There was an island, small and secluded. The entity had chosen it for just such a purpose, knowing the creator was pulling the strings of fate to ensure the target would find his way there. The entity rested upon it, longing to find a form with which to touch the warm, soft sand… to feel the cool sea air against his flesh.
Even as he thought, for he had indeed chosen the male sex as his own, he detected life around him. There were the lesser species, the animals. Yet there were also others. Several of half-human decent but one… one particular form he was most interested in. A single solitary human. The entity swept through the trees like a chill wind, cracking some bows and sending shards of palm leaves crashing to the ground in its haste to find the human.
At last, it arrived. The man was hunched, wearing ragged clothes by a makeshift fire. The entity felt its heart slouch. This pathetic form was in no shape to take him. It was half starved out here, obviously marooned. Yet… the entity did derive something, perhaps he could put this human to some use…
Soon, most of the group were waiting in the alley waiting only for God and Belgor. At last, they came out. Belgor came Sarah a clipful of acid bullets and handed each one of them a gas shield.
‘These should come in handy in the corridors. I have the base’s schematics on the plane’s computer,’ said Belgor.
‘Right, let’s go,’ urged God as they all piled into Jeevsie’s limo. It was a tight squeeze. The Godfather and God sat up in front with Jeevsie. Mr. Proway, Mr. June, Dopeman and Tony sat in the next row. Jamsie, Timmy, Columbo and Charles in the next one. Finally, Silent, Sarah, Farrell, Belgor and Johnny in the last one. Sarah had to sit on Silent’s lap, neither of them complained about it.
‘So,’ said Dopeman talking to Mr. Proway, ‘What do you do?’
‘I help introduce the new thugs into the business. I also run our soccer team,’ he replied.
‘You have a soccer team?’ Dopeman questioned, ‘What’s your name anyway. Like, your real name. I mean, I can’t go around calling you Mr. Proway the whole time like some schoolboy can I?’
‘It’s Chris. Chris Proway and this here’s John June. He’s my business partner,’ he answered.
‘Right, at least I know most of you now,’ replied the Demi-God, ‘So, Tony, what do you do exactly?’
‘To be honest, I don’t really do anythin'. I just sort of keep out of everyone's way, you know.’ the fat man replied.
‘Yeah. You know, you remind me of a friend of mine,’ said Dopeman.
‘Really,’ asked Tony, ‘Who is he?’
‘His name’s Obeseman. I haven’t seen him since the last time I was in Dimension X,’ he explained, thinking back.
‘What’s dimension X?’ inquired Proway, leaning towards him.
‘It’s hard to explain, just a load of nothing except for Melkor and a chessboard.’ answered Dopeman.
‘Melkor?’ asked God, ‘Silmarillion right?’
‘Yeah, that’s him,’ said Dopeman laughing, ‘His chained up there and we have to play chess with him every time we end up there.’
‘You haven’t just taken a load of dope have you?’ asked Proway.
‘No Chris, I’ll take you all there someday, then you’ll see what I’m talking about.’
‘Christ Timmy, stop farting already,’ argued Jamsie, pushing Timmy away.
‘Me no fart, I smell like that,’ replied Timmy.
’Hey, you’se guys?’ asked Farrell, ’D’you think when we get to this place there’ll be any of them Iraqi fellas?’
’Probably not Farrell, these guys aren’t good old fashioned terrorists. These fella’s use poison gas, tanks... you know those things,’ replied Jamsie, ’More like an army than anything else.’
’Jeese,’ said Farrell, ’I’m startin’ to miss that good old fashioned terrorism.’
’I’m sure you are,’ replied Jamsie, smirking.
’Hey Charles?’ called Columbo, ’Make sure you cover me good out there. I don’t want to get my clothes dirty.’
’Of course sir,’ replied the butler, ’Should I use a silencer or go about without one?’
’Don’t use one, let’s make lots of noise,’ laughed Columbo, ’After all, I’ve got a bazooka!’
’So I finally get to see you in action,’ said Sarah to Silent
’Yep, it’s going to be a tough battle,’ he replied.
’I didn’t necessarily mean it in that context,’ she winked, smiling.
’Oh,’ he stuttered slowly, ’Right.’
’So, Dopeman. The toothpicks, what’s with them?’
asked God intuitively.
’I’m not sure. Sort of my trademark thing. It’s mainly cause of Bob here,’ he pointed at the metal toothpick on his shoulder. ’Say hello Bob.’
’Hey guys,’ said the toothpick in a gruff voice.
’Ok,’ said God, ’Never seen one of those before.’
’Yeah, I get that a lot,’ replied Bob, ’I’m made of mithril, you know, that elven armour. I can also cut through anything.’
’Where were you made?’ asked God, ’I only know the stuff in my universe.’
’I was made in Middle-Earth, Arda, before the War of the Jewels.’ answered Bob.
‘Ah, I see. And Dopeman brought you from there?’
‘Precisely. But I was cursed by the dragon, Glaurung. Forever half evil and half good.’
Suddenly Bob’s voice changed into a deep boom. ‘Together, Dopeman and I will rule the galaxy as Father and Son.’
Bob coughed and his voice changed into an almost angelic state, ‘Sorry, my evil counterpart tends to interrupt, when we are equal in state we become the voice you heard before.’
‘Ok,’ said God, slowly, ‘Dopeman, how were you created?’
‘Yeah, are the rumours true?’ asked Tony.
‘Well, that depends,’ replied Dopeman, ‘What rumours have you heard?’
‘Bitten by a radioactive hippy, Kylie Minogue overdose, Batman sex change...’ answered Tony.
‘What the fuck?’ replied Dopeman, ‘Batman having a sex change and what the hell does Kylie Minogue have to do with me, other than the fact that I slept with her eighteen times.’
‘You did it with Kylie Minogue?!’ exclaimed Tony.
‘Yes I did... Now that first rumour you said, is fairly accurate. On my way out of Russia one day, I was bitten by a radioactive hippy from Chernobyl. However, that really only explains my hatred for hippies because the radiation dissipated and I already had the same strengths and powers that I have now. Even I don’t know how I was made or why... I just was. My earliest memory is a number in a black space: 42.’ said Dopeman.
‘Wow,’ mouthed Tony, his jaw unhinged in a gormless fashion.
‘So Godfather, why do you want me to take out these terrorists anyway?’
‘Ah, you see they want to invade Italy. Our science branch there under Frankie Lyons can’t be at risk from that sort of power. That’s why we’re going to take ‘em out.’ he replied.
‘Well, that’s a relief. At least now I know it’s all for the good of making more weapons!’ laughed Dopeman.
It wasn’t long before they arrived at the New York airport on the New Manhattan coastline, which had receded up to the Empire State Building, now the communications tower for the airport.
‘That’s global warming for you,’ laughed God.
‘What are you talking about?’ asked Jamsie, ‘It’s always been like this.’
‘Yeah, sure,’ sniggered God, following them into the airport. The limo was parked in a special hold-out bunker that no carjacker could break.
The Godfather walked straight into the airport, passed security as did the others. No questions were asked. Though the guards did look in wonder and amazement as Dopeman and God passed by.
The Godfather led the group to a door labelled private and opened it with a special key. They entered a long service tunnel which exited into a massive aeroplane.
‘Alright,’ the Godfather said, ‘Jeevsie and I are going to fly this thing. There’re enough beds for everyone and the floor plan is on the computers,’ he pointed to the plane connected laptops on each seat. ‘There’s one of those in each bedroom too. We have full internet access, so... enjoy yourselves. There’s a microphone in each room and seat which will allow you to talk to one another at any time. Thank you.’
‘Right,’ announced God, ‘Exits are located here, here, here and here.’ pointing them out.
Everyone separated and sat down in respective chairs. The seatbelt light flashed on as Jeevsie and the Godfather sat down in the pilot and co-pilot seats.
The intercom turned on and Jeevsie spoke.
‘This is your captain speaking. This is a no-smoking or doping aircraft, just kidding Dopeman. Please ensure that all seatbelts are carefully connected. Yes Timmy that thing you’re sitting on is a seatbelt. If there is a sudden loss of oxygen, masks will descend from the overhead compartments and please for the love of God attend to yourselves and leave Timmy to die. No offence Timmy. We will be taking off momentarily.’
‘What did the funny voice mean?’ asked Timmy.
’He said that in the event of a crash, you’ll be proclaimed as a natural hero if you do your utmost to die.’ replied Jamsie.
’Yay!’ the rat thing squealed with happiness.
Sarah and Silent sat beside one another as the plane bean to move. She quickly grasped his hand tightly.
’Sorry, but I’ve never gotten used to take Off’s,’ she whispered.
His hand tightened around hers and he smiled, ’It’s alright, neither have I.’
The craft began to rattle and rumble as it gained speed, then it slowly moved upwards and in a flash, became weightless.
’You may now remove your seatbelts and feel free to walk about the ship,’ announced Jeevsie. ’We will arrive in approximately ten hours.’
’Now,’ began Belgor, before anyone could get up. ’Before we go, I just want you to have a look at the base’s schematics. Please turn on your computers and I’ll transfer the information soon.’
Silent flipped up his laptop and the floor plan of the plane met him. He glanced at it for a moment while he waited for Belgor. It showed that the plane carried its own restaurant with tables, a huge plasma TV. at the rear of the craft and a row of bedrooms on either side of the seats. The computer desktop then appeared and desktop icons appeared: Internet Explorer, Microsoft Word, Excel... the usual.
Sarah was doing the same, suddenly a picture flashed up and stayed on the screen.
Belgor spoke, ’This is the base, note carefully the team numbers and escape roots. Now... ’ he went on in more detail.
Jamsie meanwhile had minimized the schematics and was now watching porn.
At last, Belgor finished his lecture and practically everyone except for Jamsie, Dopeman and God got up.
Silent and Sarah went over to one of the tables in the restaurant. Silent got up to fetch the food.
‘You want anything?’ he asked her.
‘Em, well, what is there?’ she inquired, brushing her hair from her eyes and tying it into a ponytail.
He walked over to a massive construction which seemed to be the restaurant, a huge screen showed an interactive menu which he examined closely.
He called back to her, ‘Seems like they have everything, I mean, they even have roast turkey!’
‘Well, I’ll have that then, just a small bit, with roast potatoes, carrots and mashed potatoes. Oh and gravy!’ she said, ‘Can’t forget that.’
‘I wouldn’t dream of it,’ he smiled, ‘I think I’ll have the same.’
He typed in the desired meals and soon everything arrived on two plates in perfect order without a splash from a conveyor belt. A gravy jug accompanied them on a tray.
‘That is amazing,’ he mouthed and carried the food to the table.
‘Is there any wine?’ Sarah asked.
‘Yeah, sure.’ he replied, ‘Red or white?’
‘Red please,’ she smiled.
Almost instantly, the machine complied.
Silent filled the two glasses and handed one to her, smiling, ‘It’s nice to travel in style isn’t it?’
‘Do you treat all of your companions to a romantic meal like this?’ she asked him, smiling.
‘No, and an aeroplane isn’t usually what I call romantic.’
‘So, why me. Why I am so special?’ she asked him.
‘I don’t know,’ he replied. ‘Something just feels right about you.’
She held his hand across the table. ‘I know.’
Belgor was sitting at a table nearby with Johnny.
‘So, Belgor,’ began Johnny, ‘What have you got to fight with. I don’t see any guns on you?’
‘I use a variety of chemicals to attack my enemies, not that I normally take part in such engagements.’ he replied, opening his bag. ‘Although I do use this baby a lot.’
He pulled out a large hurl, wrapped in sellotape to hold it together.
‘Nice hurl,’ replied Johnny, ‘I’ve got loads of them at home.’
‘Really?’ asked Belgor, ‘Where do you live?’
‘Oh, I live in this mansion down North Jameson Avenue. I spend most of my time with greyhounds though.’
‘Ah, I see,’ said Belgor, ‘Chris Proway over there spends loads of time with greyhound racing.’
‘I know,’ replied Johnny, ‘Seen him at the track a good few times.’
Timmy sat in a corner of the plane, silently gnawing at a cracker, his eyes darting from left to right in a suspicious fashion. Meanwhile, Proway and June had started a football match in one of the massive bedrooms, about eight metres by four. The bed had, conveniently, folded into the wall, much like the beds that can be found in Japan.
Jamsie retreated into his room with a handful of playboy magazines and did not seem to want to come out.
Dopeman and God were sitting at the back two seats watching the huge cinema screen playing Pirates of the Caribbean 8: Jack Sparrow and the Old Age Pension. More commonly known as JSOAP.
Tony and Farrell were arguing over who’s pizza was bigger, with Tony eventually the victor after eating his opponents arguing piece. In the cockpit, the Godfather sat back enjoying the twenty-ninth series of the Simpsons whilst Jeevsie did all the work. Suddenly, Columbo called, pointing out the window, ’Hey, everyone it’s Iron Man!’
Everybody rushed to the windows as the superhero rushed passed and disappeared in the distance.
’Wow,’ said Silent, ’Does he still fight bad guys?’
’No,’ replied Columbo, ’He’s the mailman. Didn’t you see the Stark Industries Logo on the Post Offices. He’s running that show now.’
Sarah turned to Silent and yawned, ’Listen, I better get some sleep. When we get there’ll it’ll be straight to the fight.’
’Alright,’ he replied, ’I better get to bed too.’
She slipped into her room and shut the door, he went into the room next door.
It wasn’t long before everyone was asleep. God had relieved Jeevsie and the Godfather of piloting and Dopeman sat talking to Bob of previous adventures. It suddenly grew very quiet with no one about.
Dopeman felt the silence as eerie and unnerving. Bob suddenly stopped mid-sentence and stared at his master who nodded.
’I sense it too.’
The pair leapt up and Bob was flung hard into the darkness. Something crashed to the ground and a scythe clattered against a table.
‘Thought you could sneak up on me, eh?’ asked Dopeman, triumphantly to the corpse. ‘Bob, get the lights.’
The lights suddenly flicked on and illuminated the assailant. A large black robe filled with bones had fallen to the floor and the scythe, with a hand still attached, was lying a few metres away.
‘Ah Death,’ said Dopeman, ‘Another one off my list.’
Most of the doors had now burst open and Silent ran up to Dopeman, ‘What happened?’
‘Oh... just Death. Trying to kill me y’know.’ replied Dopeman in a casual fashion.
‘Death, you just killed Death,’ replied Silent, unsure if he had heard correctly.
‘Why yes,’ said Dopeman, ‘I believe that, with that one gone, there should be only fourteen left. The Discworld Death’s been on the run for twenty years. They’re all out to get me y’know?’
‘Right, I’m just going to forget what you just said,’ said Silent, slowly. As the others stared on with astonished faces.
Eventually, they all departed back to their beds as God entered, leaving the plane on autopilot.
‘Great!’ he exclaimed, ‘That’s another Death I’ll have to rebuild. You’ve really got to stop killing them you know?’
‘Well, only if they stop trying to kill me.’
‘You are an anomaly Dopeman, it is Death’s job to destroy such odd creations. I’ll see if I can talk to them, but Death usually doesn’t listen to me.’
‘Thanks God,’ said Dopeman, ‘A little bit of peace would be nice.’
Outside the plane, a man clung hard to the wheel. He turned slowly around and a red light emitted from his eye as he waited: Two hours before landing.
The next morning, the trio strode out into a typical New York day: traffic jams a mile long, millions of pedestrians and not a cloud in the sky.
They began to wade through the crowds, which was not easy as they didn’t want to get in any arguments. Slowly and steadily, they made their way through.
Silent did not need to worry as several NYPD cars strolled passed; few people knew him outside of his own planet. They passed by the fogged up windows of a lap dance club.
‘What’s in there?’ asked Timmy, turning his head.
‘A horrible dragon who will burn you up,’ replied Silent. Timmy screamed in reply and sped ahead.
‘God, he’d believe anything,’ said Jamsie.
God suddenly appeared, ‘You called?’ he said.
‘No, God, I didn’t mean you,’ replied Jamsie, hastily.
‘Right, I’ll just go then,’ said God, then looked up into the sky, ‘Damn it, that bloody man has opened another one!’
He disappeared. The trio looked where God had been staring. In the sky were things flying, fireworks all around them. Silent pulled out his binoculars and took a closer look.
‘I don’t believe it,’ he said, ‘It’s Harry Potter!’
‘What?’ shouted Jamsie.
‘Seriously look,’ replied Silent, handing the device over.
Jamsie took the binoculars and peered out through them. He saw a large black motorbike with a huge man sitting on it. All around were people on broomsticks. Magical blasts burst around them. Then James saw him, the boy was leaning over the sidecar of the motorbike shooting red sparks at those chasing him.
Jamsie heard a rifle-lock and a bullet shattered through the air. The bullet suddenly turned green as it whipped through the air, swooping over Harry’s head.
Putting the binoculars down, Jamsie saw Silent readying another rifle-shot behind him. Turning, he looked up into the air to an extraordinary sight; a solid brick wall, erupted out of the exhaust pipe. It expanded into being in mid-air. Three of the Death Eaters swerved to avoid it, but the forth was not so lucky. He crashed into the wall and fell like a boulder.
‘Oh my God!’ shouted Jamsie, ‘Did you see that?!!!’
‘Holy crap!’ said Silent, ‘A friggin’ wall!’
‘What’s that?’ asked Timmy, looking up; a net had just thrust itself from the bike at the Death Eaters, but they avoided it and had brought back their fallen companion.
With that, Jamsie turned to his heavy suitcase, inside: an RPG. The bike, meanwhile, had just sprouted dragon-fire and had burst forward with frightening speed. The bike creaked as it slowed and Silent fired, hitting one of the sidecar supports. The sidecar lurched and began to fall. Silent loaded and fired again when the giant leaned over to fix it. The sidecar fell and the huge man pulled out Harry. Silent cursed as the carriage fell and Jamsie fired.
The rocket flew through the air and exploded, utterly destroying the sidecar.
‘Did I get him?’ asked Jamsie.
‘No,’ replied Silent, ‘Hagrid pulled him out.’
Meanwhile. God was in the sky, working frantically to stop disaster. He turned Silent’s bullets into green spells and Jamsie’s rocket into a confringo. But he really lost it when killed Mad-Eye Moody. God had to make him look like Voldemort and when the toothpick flew at Moody he had to turn it green.
Then caught up with Harry and was throwing a deadly toothpick at him, God had to take control of Harry’s wand and destroy the toothpick. Then got annoyed and fled and God had to replace him with Voldemort. He then had to quickly reopen the portal which forced Harry to crash land in Tonk’s garden.
Later, God sat down thinking to himself, that is the last time I save Harry Potter.
‘Damn it! Why didn’t Potter die?’ shouted Silent, turning to Jamsie, ‘Come on, let’s get to work.’
Jamsie packed up the rag hurriedly; he had attracted enough attention already. Timmy was blinking ferociously, not sure if he was aware of what was going on. He decided just to ignore what he saw and to follow the others.
The purpose was now realised. The entity smiled. It knew what it had to do. It knew the planet where its target rested. The ethereal form turned back to the creator, staring at it with nothing but sheer and complete admiration.
Looking over the picture of its target again, the creature took in every detail. The cool, jet-black hair slick upon his head. The terrible suit of onyx armour which completely encased the man’s body. The bandolier of toothpicks played across his chest. The tired, weathered eyes of a thousand billion years. The shining silver toothpick that rested on his shoulder.
Yes… the entity now had a purpose. A target and a destination… the planet known only as Earth.
The group turned into the alley with the Mafia base and knocked, Belgor opened the door, showing them in.
‘Good to see you. Nice work dropping the Gatachi, I’ve got something for you.’ he said, handing Jamsie and Silent some sort of spray can with a pin. He then handed Timmy a squeaky toy.
‘What are they?’ asked Silent, examining the device.
‘It’s a prototype gas shield. You remove the pin and the gas blocks up the area where you are. The gas secretes a highly potent acid that dissolves, slows or impairs the casings of most bullets before they can reach you.’ replied Belgor. ‘They work best in confined spaces and tend to disperse outside, so use them wisely.’
‘Thanks Belgor,’ said Silent, ‘These are great!’
‘You’re welcome. Now you better hurry, the Godfather wants to see you.’ replied the scientist.
Silent walked down the long corridor to the dark office, followed by the other two. He opened the door to find two more men. One was tall with short curly black hair and watery blue eyes. The other was short and bald.
‘Ah fellas,’ greeted the Godfather. ‘Good work the other day. Silent, may I introduce Mr. June...’ pointing to the bald man, ‘... and Mr. Proway.’ pointing to the other.
‘Pleased to meet you,’ they all said, shaking hands.
‘These two train new initiates into the institute. Well, they train thugs mainly, because they don’t have the sense to look after themselves. Not to say that these two aren’t smart, together they took out one of the largest criminal gangs in Russia,’ said the Godfather ‘Anyway, Silent, I have a special job for you. There’s a Starbucks down West Jackson Street. I need you to go there and meet your new team member. You must go alone and see who they are for yourself. I’m not going to tell you anything about them. I want you to consider it as a test.’
‘Very well, what time will they arrive at Starbucks?’ inquired Silent.
‘Half an hour from now, Jeevsie will drive you there, unless you want to walk?’ asked the Godfather.
‘I think I’ll walk, it takes a while to get through all of the traffic.’
‘Good idea,’ replied the Godfather, ‘I look forward to hearing from you.’
As the others left the room, the Godfather smiled as the dark shape fell from the ceiling.
‘Did you hear everything you needed?’ asked the Godfather.
The figure nodded and disappeared into the shadows.
Silent left the building and walked quickly across the street. West Jackson wasn’t too far away. He could already see the sign in the distance.
He looked around when he reached the street. It could be anyone, anything. He entered the Starbucks. Immediately, he had no idea what to do.
The place was packed with humans, Maschins, even the odd Troggle(A large hairy dog-lizard). He walked over to the waitress, a beautiful young blond-haired woman.
‘Excuse me miss, you don’t know if anyone is waiting for me, do you?’
She smiled, ‘Blind date, is it? There’s a couple of people around here waiting for someone. I’ll show you round to them if you like?’
‘That’d be great, thanks!’ replied Silent, following her to a table near the window. A Maschin was sitting there with a large spear in one hand.
The waitress whispered, ‘I don’t think he’s here for a date.’
‘Well, I’m not really here for one either, more a business interview.’ replied Silent, turning to the beetle, ‘You wouldn’t happen to be looking for me, would you?’
‘Who the fuck are you, where’s Zorag?’ replied the creature angrily.
‘I take that as a no,’ said Silent, turning back to the waitress. They moved swiftly away.
‘Well, that could’ve gone better,’ she said ‘Here’s another one.’ she finished, pointing to a bald man sitting alone. He had a large snake tattoo along the side of his face and a briefcase.
Silent sat down. ‘Hello, who are you waiting for?’
‘What’s it to you?’ the guy asked, before spotting his guns, ‘Mafia right?’
‘Yeah, you the guy I’m supposed to meet?’ inquired Silent.
‘Suppose so. I’m supposed to join you. Well, tell me what you expect from me. I’ll do it. See the briefcase. Inside: One million dollars. In cash. I provide it to the Godfather in exchange for my position.’
Across the street, a bullet rang out and the firer smiled, ‘Sorry, position’s filled!’
Silent stared in shock as the cafe was sprayed with blood. There was a hole in the guy’s head. The waitress screamed and ran as Silent stared across the street, spotting someone running down an alley with a gun.
He burst through the shattered window, smashing through the crowds, flipping over the bonnet of a taxi and hurtled into the alley. It was deserted.
He followed the curve into the next alley and another shot rang out, scraping his chest plate. Suddenly, he smelled burning and stared down. The bullet had contained hydrofluoric acid and broke apart when it hit the plasteel. It was eroding through his armour, he tore it off and drew his pistols.
Staring around in all directions, he could not see his attacker. Suddenly a window smashed and out burst a figure slicing both of his gloves with wristblades, forcing him to drop his guns.
So sudden was the attack that it caught him off balance. He fell and his assailant was gone before he could draw his flamethrower. All that he saw of the attacker was a dark shadow.
He sprinted quickly to the Mafia base. He was just down the alley when he heard a jetpack propulsion noise and was whacked in the back, knocking the weapon from his grasp and sending him sprawling on the hard pavement.
A wristblade held his head to the ground, barely missing his skin.
The Godfather walked out, clapping, ‘Wonderful, wonderful!’
Silent was puzzled as the wristblade withdrew. He turned to the outstretched hand of the assassin, who helped him up. The attacker was tall, though not as tall as him and slender, almost attractive. Silent then hoped it wasn’t a man.
‘Silent,’ said the Godfather, ‘Meet your new team member.’
The assassin pulled off their black mask and shook out a mass of long dark hair.
‘Hi,’ she smiled, shaking the bewildered Silent’s hand, ‘I’m Sarah.’
Chapter 7: Dopeman
Silent was in a daze, never before had he seen someone so beautiful. For once, his usual charm failed him and he ended up spluttering ‘H...He....Hi.’
‘Sorry about beating you up, em, here’s your guns back,’ she said, uncomfortably, handing him the pistols. ‘I don’t think we can fix your chest plate, Belgor’s hydrofluoric acid bullet prototype. I guess it worked.’
‘Thanks,’ said Silent, his normal voice slowly returning as he stared into her hazel eyes.
‘So, you’re my boss now then,’ she stated. ‘What do you need me to do?’
‘Well, ‘em, I’m not sure. Godfather, what next?’
‘Ah, that’s the tricky part and someone else is going to tell you about it. God?’ the Godfather called.
Jamsie and Timmy arrived on the scene in time to see God appear in a flash of white light.
‘I’ll leave you guys to it,’ said the Godfather, returning back inside.
‘So God, what is it? After the foray with the dinosaurs, I don’t know what you’ll come up with.’ said Silent, jokingly.
‘Well, my friends. Here goes nothing. In New York there is a man, or a god or a god of gods or something. I’m not quite sure - well, he’s not from my galaxy anyway… or even my universe-’
‘God, you’re speaking gibberish,’ interrupted Jamsie.
‘Hold now, it’ll all make sense in a minute. Anyway, you’ve all seen him many times before on the news and in the papers, but you’ve never properly seen him. He made Harry Potter come here and I need you to ask for his help. He could be a very very reliable ally,’ said God, ‘Anyway, look at this:’
He created a large T.V. screen in the brick wall and switched on the news.
The newsreader was speaking, the inset was a picture of the man Silent had seen on the newspaper the acid man was reading in MacDonald’s. ‘Hideous attacks on hippies have been acted out across New York recently as a vigilante or so it seems walks among us. We have discovered after several attempts that saying his name is potentially lethal. Look at the caption at the bottom of your screen now to discover his identity.’
The words read in bold: DOPEMAN. Suddenly, a toothpick appeared on screen and began to devour the word letter by letter in a Pac-man like fashion. It was over in about 4 seconds.
‘Dopema-’ began Timmy, but quickly silenced himself and covered his mouth, his small brain remembering what had been said.
The others looked at him as Jamsie urged, his eyes wide with excitement ‘That’s it, don’t be shy, say it…’
Timmy shook his head and Jamsie cursed. ‘Nearly had him.’
‘This is who you must find,’ announced God, ‘Shouldn’t be too hard, just follow the hippies. I doubt it’ll be hard to convince him to come either, I’m sure he’d love to be killing things other than hippies for a change.’
God then disappeared and Sarah smiled, ‘So, you guys ready to go?’
Soon the group was walking down the street, Jamsie scanning the area while Sarah and Silent were talking animatedly.
'Why are you called Silent? I mean it's a bit of a strange name,' asked Sarah.
'Well, it's actually then name I was assigned when I was born into my academy back on my home planet, Silent 228 is my full designation.'
‘What was your life like, up ‘til you got involved with the Mafia,’ Sarah asked Silent.
‘It’s tough to explain, I was training to be a soldier on Cakamorse, my home planet. Long story short I killed one of my companions and I was exiled. Pity, they could have used me in the first Moch war.’
‘That’s sad,’ she replied, ‘Did you ever see a Moch?’
‘No, I went into hiding just before they attacked. I couldn’t risk being spotted by the militia or they’d have had me court martialed and executed.’ he replied.
‘I have. Back on Rayclif, I was there with my friend Rachael. Her dad is a commander in the UNSF. Rayclif had a small barracks, it got hit pretty hard. Rachael and I got out just in time. Her dad is still out there. She got brought back to Mars for protection under his orders. I’d say she’ll find a way here though. Especially since the war is over now.’ she thought for a moment and turned back to Silent, ’You said First Moch War, what makes you think there’ll be another one?’
‘Well, from what I’ve heard about them, their actually a single race in a much larger conglomerate. If that’s true then I’d say that whatever the leading caste in this group is, it's just waiting for an opportunity to strike. I think that the war is far from over yet.’
‘Yes…,’ she pondered for a moment before completely changing the subject, ‘So… have you got anyone special?’
Silent was a little alarmed at the change of subject, but smiled. ‘No, but you never know. Anyone could be that girl. Have you?’
‘No, I’ve never had the chance,’ replied Sarah, laughing, ‘Rayclif is an ice planet and the only person I really got to spend time with there was Rachael. Besides, imagine trying to have sex in sub-zero temperatures.’
’Yeah,’ laughed Silent ‘So how old are you anyway?’
’Twenty, you?’
’Oh… well, not to say I’m ancient or anything, I’m fifty.’ he said, nervously.
’Fifty! But… look at you!’ she exclaimed.
’Is that a compliment?’
’Well… eh…. ’ she trailed off.
’I’m a superhuman. I wasn’t just training to be a soldier. I was a super soldier. I don’t age quite as easily as normal humans.’ he replied.
’A superhuman…’ suddenly, she laughed, ’And I still beat the crap out of you!’
’Hey, but you’re a girl, he said, trying to defend himself.
’Yeah, but you didn’t know that,’ she replied, sniggering.
They turned around a corner, passing a movie poster for AVD: Aliens versus Dopeman. An alien faced off against the mysterious vigilante, who was wielding a toothpick.
Timmy started to drool behind them. Sarah turned.
‘What are you looking at?’
The rat-eh… thing, pounced forwards and caught a rat in his teeth. He quickly swallowed it. The others winced.
’Isn’t that homicide and eh, cannibalism for you, anyway?’ Silent inquired, disgusted.
They stared at Timmy for a little longer then suddenly, someone shouted to them, ‘Hey, my friends it’s you!’
The group looked across the street to see Columbo del Monko and Charles crossing to join them.
‘Nice to see you Columbo, Charles,’ welcomed Silent, ‘This is Sarah, my new… associate.’
‘Hello beautiful,’ winked Columbo.
She smiled. ‘Nice to meet you, who’s your… bodyguard?’
‘I’m his Butler ma’am. The name is Charles. Very pleased to make your acquaintance.’ replied the burly giant.
‘Pleased to meet you too,’ she smiled. ‘You’re really well connected.’ she said to Silent.
‘Well, I’ve only been working for them for five days,’ he replied.
‘Still, anyone else to jump out at me?’
‘Well, Farrell and Tony are back at the base. You’ve met Belgor. Mr. June and Mr. Proway I met today-’
‘I saw them too. I was in the room with you… on the ceiling.’ she interrupted.
‘That’s quite impressive!’ he exclaimed. ‘Ah, you still haven’t met Johnny!’
‘Johnny, who’s he?’ she inquired.
‘To be honest, I’m not sure if you’d want to know…’ he replied nervously when suddenly, Johnny’s head pushed in between the pair of them. ‘Know what?’
‘Ah, Johnny… good to see you… I hope… er… how did you like the guards?’ Silent asked cautiously.
‘Wonderful, went great with fried rice!’ he roared with laughter.
‘Eh… fried rice?’ Sarah asked, a little frightened.
‘Well, he’s a …. he’s a cannibal…’ Silent said in answer to her question.
‘A cannibal…’ she slowly said, nodding her head. ‘I’m talking to a cannibal. Johnny, when you look at me, do you think about eating me?’
‘No,’ he replied, ‘I’m thinking about fucking you!’
‘Well, that’s a relief,’ she said… ‘Hang on a minute-’
‘Okay, let’s calm down,’ said Silent, ‘We have to find this guy,’ he pointed to the AVD poster, ‘Would you guys like to help us?’
‘Sure,’ replied Columbo, ‘I’ve never done anything with you guys before. It should be fun.’
‘Do we get to eat him?’ asked Johnny, furiously licking his lips.
‘No, Johnny we need his help,’ Silent answered, sternly.
‘Then count me out, but call me if you need me to kill anyone. You know where to find me.’ he said, walking off.
‘So, why do we need his help, this Dope fellow?’ asked Columbo.
‘Be careful not to say his name, it’s lethal. God asked us to get him. I’m guessing he needs us all for something big.’ replied Silent.
‘Oh, good, it’s been too long since we had a good old fashioned shootout.’ said Columbo, laughing ‘Isn’t that right, Charles?’
‘Of course sir,’ replied the butler.
‘Well, let’s get on and look for this guy then, everyone keep your eyes peeled,’ said Silent.
They advanced down three more streets. Seeing nothing much but clothes shops and supermarkets. Not far ahead was the burnt out MacDonald’s.
Silent sighed, ‘Seems just like it was yesterday.’
‘That was you!’ Sarah exclaimed. ‘You blew up MacDonald’s. That is so cool.’
‘Yeah, it was fun. Potassium burger, Timmy as Ronald MacDonald…’
‘Classic.’ sighed Jamsie.
Another street down was completely empty. Not soul in sight. Suddenly they heard the sound of scuffling up ahead. A slashing noise, a spray of blood on the pavement and a scream.
A man ran out with a long ponytail, flowery shirt and shorts. A toothpick attached to a string hit him in the back and pulled him back in, screaming.
The group hurried into the alley to see the last man cut down. Another man stood there alone. Scattered about the alleyway were dead hippies everywhere.
The man raised his head, his eyes red with fury, suddenly turning blue with calm. His dark red cape fluttered although there was no wind and on his shoulder a silver toothpick sat.
He walked over to the astonished Silent and the others and announced ‘I am Dopeman!’
‘So, you’re real then!’ exclaimed Silent.
‘What’s it to you… human?’ he asked.
‘God sent us here to-’ stated Silent.
‘Wait a minute… God?!… you guys aren’t some sort of religious group are you?’
‘No, it’s not like that at all, he needs your help,’ explained Silent, ‘I don’t know why, but if you please come with us he can tell you.’
‘Alright then,’ blurted the… man ‘But if it’s something shitty I’m not doing it.’
He moved through each one of the group, individually inspecting them.
‘Who… what… and why the hell are you?’ he asked Timmy.
‘I’m a mentally retarded rat-man,’ Timmy replied dreamily, ‘That’s what the doctor said. Then he gave me a lollipop.’
Dopeman frowned and continued, ‘Who are you?’
‘I’m Columbo del Monko. I work for the Mafia.’
‘Ah, the Mafia. I’m guessing you guys are an organisation and not a proper mafia. ‘Cos frankly, none of you are Italian. So is that where you’re taking me? Since when did God help you?’ Dopeman asked.
‘Yes we are an organisation, yes that’s where we’re taking you and God happens to be our friend.’ replied Silent in a flurry of answers.
‘Ok… well, who are you my little giant?’ he asked Charles.
‘I am Charles dear sir, butler of Columbo del Monko.’
‘And you follow him everywhere?’ he inquired.
‘He’s something of a bodyguard.’ answered Jamsie.
‘Well… who are you?’
‘I’m Jamsie. I work for the Mafia too. Look let’s make this simple, we all work for the Mafia. I’m a drug dealer. I don’t take the stuff though.’
‘Ah, my good man. I’m certain I’ll find a use for you… now-’ he spotted Sarah. ‘Hello there you sexy… person.’
He waltzed over to her and felt her ass. Before anyone blinked, her wristblade went through his neck.
He coughed and spluttered as his blood leaked out. ‘Note to self… don’t… touch… the girl.’
She withdrew her blade as he straightened up. The wound in his neck had already healed.
‘What the hell?’ exclaimed Silent in amazement.
‘What?’ asked Dopeman, ‘Oh yes, I’m invincible.’
Back at the base, God sat opposite the Godfather.
‘God, I still can’t figure you out, are you good or evil?’ he asked.
‘You assume because I help you, I could be evil?’ questioned God. ‘No, you don’t realise it yet, but in the long run you guys are good.’
The Godfather frowned as God continued.
‘Don’t believe me? Look at the facts. The Gatachi’s accounted for three-quarters of the killings in this city. You accounted for less than one hundredth. You beat the Gatachi’s. Now over five thousand people who should have been killed over the next year are alive, and this place you are about to destroy is run by some of the greatest terrorists in the world. Listen to that and tell me you’re not good?’
‘I see what you mean, I suppose we are good guys,’ replied the Godfather, smiling suddenly. ‘I had no idea good guys lived so well. Every time I think of a good guy I see some guy in a rag in a beehive hut somewhere.’
‘No, that’s just St. Colmcille.’ replied God.
The door opened and in walked the gang. Dopeman stepped forwards and announced himself. ‘So God, we meet at last.’
Chapter 8: Good Old Fashioned Terrorism
The two titans stared each other down. God on one side, Dopeman on the other. Dopeman broke the silence.
‘So God, what is it you want of me?’
‘Something that should please you,’ replied God, ‘The hippies are moving out of the city and we need your help. We are going to destroy one of the largest terrorist compounds in the world. Led by the mysterious Dragutin Pasia.’
‘Sounds fun. I’ll consider it… if?’ he turned to Sarah, ‘You sleep with me?’
Again her wristblade pierced his throat and he slowly relaxed as she pulled it out.
‘Oh well,’ he groaned. ‘It was worth as shot.’
He turned to God, ‘I’ll do it!’
‘Fantastic,’ he replied, ‘Now, follow me all of you… to Belgor’s lab.’
It was the first time Silent had seen everyone together. God talked with Dopeman in front while Silent, Sarah, Jamsie, Timmy, Belgor, Johnny, Columbo, Charles, Mr. June, Mr. Proway, Jeevsie, Farrell and Tony sat watching.
‘Right, if everyone is settled, I’ll begin,’ god announced. He pointed to a large map of Germany. He pointed to a forested area near Nuremberg. ‘Here is the forest of Gretenstag. This is where we shall rendezvous. We believe that the terrorists have turned the village located within the trees into a militarised base. Of course, I already knew that. I’m God.
‘We will go into the base once ready in three groups. Group one, led by me, shall include Silent, Sarah, Jamsie, Timmy, Belgor and Johnny. Group two, led by the Godfather shall be Columbo, Charles, Mr. June, Mr. Proway, Farrell and Tony. Finally Group three, shall be Dopeman.
‘We will attack from three different fronts. Group One will come through the local chapel - I have a way with churches. Group Two will kill the sentries and Group Three will take out anything left.’
‘Go Group Three!’ shouted Dopeman.
‘Yes, now Dopeman - you’ll notice I’m not dead - and I have made an agreement,’ said God.
‘Yes, I have promised not to slay any of you if you say my name. Go ahead, say it,’ announced Dopeman.
‘Dopeman,’ said Silent.
‘Excellent, the only person or eh… thing that can’t say it is Timmy. Sorry Timmy.’ said Dopeman, smiling.
Timmy blinked and waved, ‘Hello.’
He then turned to Sarah as if he had never seen her before and mumbled, ‘You’re pretty.’
‘Thanks… eh… Timmy,’ she replied, slowly, ‘So, when are we going?’
‘Tonight, pack your things,’ said God, ‘The plane will be ready soon.’
There was an island, small and secluded. The entity had chosen it for just such a purpose, knowing the creator was pulling the strings of fate to ensure the target would find his way there. The entity rested upon it, longing to find a form with which to touch the warm, soft sand… to feel the cool sea air against his flesh.
Even as he thought, for he had indeed chosen the male sex as his own, he detected life around him. There were the lesser species, the animals. Yet there were also others. Several of half-human decent but one… one particular form he was most interested in. A single solitary human. The entity swept through the trees like a chill wind, cracking some bows and sending shards of palm leaves crashing to the ground in its haste to find the human.
At last, it arrived. The man was hunched, wearing ragged clothes by a makeshift fire. The entity felt its heart slouch. This pathetic form was in no shape to take him. It was half starved out here, obviously marooned. Yet… the entity did derive something, perhaps he could put this human to some use…
Soon, most of the group were waiting in the alley waiting only for God and Belgor. At last, they came out. Belgor came Sarah a clipful of acid bullets and handed each one of them a gas shield.
‘These should come in handy in the corridors. I have the base’s schematics on the plane’s computer,’ said Belgor.
‘Right, let’s go,’ urged God as they all piled into Jeevsie’s limo. It was a tight squeeze. The Godfather and God sat up in front with Jeevsie. Mr. Proway, Mr. June, Dopeman and Tony sat in the next row. Jamsie, Timmy, Columbo and Charles in the next one. Finally, Silent, Sarah, Farrell, Belgor and Johnny in the last one. Sarah had to sit on Silent’s lap, neither of them complained about it.
‘So,’ said Dopeman talking to Mr. Proway, ‘What do you do?’
‘I help introduce the new thugs into the business. I also run our soccer team,’ he replied.
‘You have a soccer team?’ Dopeman questioned, ‘What’s your name anyway. Like, your real name. I mean, I can’t go around calling you Mr. Proway the whole time like some schoolboy can I?’
‘It’s Chris. Chris Proway and this here’s John June. He’s my business partner,’ he answered.
‘Right, at least I know most of you now,’ replied the Demi-God, ‘So, Tony, what do you do exactly?’
‘To be honest, I don’t really do anythin'. I just sort of keep out of everyone's way, you know.’ the fat man replied.
‘Yeah. You know, you remind me of a friend of mine,’ said Dopeman.
‘Really,’ asked Tony, ‘Who is he?’
‘His name’s Obeseman. I haven’t seen him since the last time I was in Dimension X,’ he explained, thinking back.
‘What’s dimension X?’ inquired Proway, leaning towards him.
‘It’s hard to explain, just a load of nothing except for Melkor and a chessboard.’ answered Dopeman.
‘Melkor?’ asked God, ‘Silmarillion right?’
‘Yeah, that’s him,’ said Dopeman laughing, ‘His chained up there and we have to play chess with him every time we end up there.’
‘You haven’t just taken a load of dope have you?’ asked Proway.
‘No Chris, I’ll take you all there someday, then you’ll see what I’m talking about.’
‘Christ Timmy, stop farting already,’ argued Jamsie, pushing Timmy away.
‘Me no fart, I smell like that,’ replied Timmy.
’Hey, you’se guys?’ asked Farrell, ’D’you think when we get to this place there’ll be any of them Iraqi fellas?’
’Probably not Farrell, these guys aren’t good old fashioned terrorists. These fella’s use poison gas, tanks... you know those things,’ replied Jamsie, ’More like an army than anything else.’
’Jeese,’ said Farrell, ’I’m startin’ to miss that good old fashioned terrorism.’
’I’m sure you are,’ replied Jamsie, smirking.
’Hey Charles?’ called Columbo, ’Make sure you cover me good out there. I don’t want to get my clothes dirty.’
’Of course sir,’ replied the butler, ’Should I use a silencer or go about without one?’
’Don’t use one, let’s make lots of noise,’ laughed Columbo, ’After all, I’ve got a bazooka!’
’So I finally get to see you in action,’ said Sarah to Silent
’Yep, it’s going to be a tough battle,’ he replied.
’I didn’t necessarily mean it in that context,’ she winked, smiling.
’Oh,’ he stuttered slowly, ’Right.’
’So, Dopeman. The toothpicks, what’s with them?’
asked God intuitively.
’I’m not sure. Sort of my trademark thing. It’s mainly cause of Bob here,’ he pointed at the metal toothpick on his shoulder. ’Say hello Bob.’
’Hey guys,’ said the toothpick in a gruff voice.
’Ok,’ said God, ’Never seen one of those before.’
’Yeah, I get that a lot,’ replied Bob, ’I’m made of mithril, you know, that elven armour. I can also cut through anything.’
’Where were you made?’ asked God, ’I only know the stuff in my universe.’
’I was made in Middle-Earth, Arda, before the War of the Jewels.’ answered Bob.
‘Ah, I see. And Dopeman brought you from there?’
‘Precisely. But I was cursed by the dragon, Glaurung. Forever half evil and half good.’
Suddenly Bob’s voice changed into a deep boom. ‘Together, Dopeman and I will rule the galaxy as Father and Son.’
Bob coughed and his voice changed into an almost angelic state, ‘Sorry, my evil counterpart tends to interrupt, when we are equal in state we become the voice you heard before.’
‘Ok,’ said God, slowly, ‘Dopeman, how were you created?’
‘Yeah, are the rumours true?’ asked Tony.
‘Well, that depends,’ replied Dopeman, ‘What rumours have you heard?’
‘Bitten by a radioactive hippy, Kylie Minogue overdose, Batman sex change...’ answered Tony.
‘What the fuck?’ replied Dopeman, ‘Batman having a sex change and what the hell does Kylie Minogue have to do with me, other than the fact that I slept with her eighteen times.’
‘You did it with Kylie Minogue?!’ exclaimed Tony.
‘Yes I did... Now that first rumour you said, is fairly accurate. On my way out of Russia one day, I was bitten by a radioactive hippy from Chernobyl. However, that really only explains my hatred for hippies because the radiation dissipated and I already had the same strengths and powers that I have now. Even I don’t know how I was made or why... I just was. My earliest memory is a number in a black space: 42.’ said Dopeman.
‘Wow,’ mouthed Tony, his jaw unhinged in a gormless fashion.
‘So Godfather, why do you want me to take out these terrorists anyway?’
‘Ah, you see they want to invade Italy. Our science branch there under Frankie Lyons can’t be at risk from that sort of power. That’s why we’re going to take ‘em out.’ he replied.
‘Well, that’s a relief. At least now I know it’s all for the good of making more weapons!’ laughed Dopeman.
It wasn’t long before they arrived at the New York airport on the New Manhattan coastline, which had receded up to the Empire State Building, now the communications tower for the airport.
‘That’s global warming for you,’ laughed God.
‘What are you talking about?’ asked Jamsie, ‘It’s always been like this.’
‘Yeah, sure,’ sniggered God, following them into the airport. The limo was parked in a special hold-out bunker that no carjacker could break.
The Godfather walked straight into the airport, passed security as did the others. No questions were asked. Though the guards did look in wonder and amazement as Dopeman and God passed by.
The Godfather led the group to a door labelled private and opened it with a special key. They entered a long service tunnel which exited into a massive aeroplane.
‘Alright,’ the Godfather said, ‘Jeevsie and I are going to fly this thing. There’re enough beds for everyone and the floor plan is on the computers,’ he pointed to the plane connected laptops on each seat. ‘There’s one of those in each bedroom too. We have full internet access, so... enjoy yourselves. There’s a microphone in each room and seat which will allow you to talk to one another at any time. Thank you.’
‘Right,’ announced God, ‘Exits are located here, here, here and here.’ pointing them out.
Everyone separated and sat down in respective chairs. The seatbelt light flashed on as Jeevsie and the Godfather sat down in the pilot and co-pilot seats.
The intercom turned on and Jeevsie spoke.
‘This is your captain speaking. This is a no-smoking or doping aircraft, just kidding Dopeman. Please ensure that all seatbelts are carefully connected. Yes Timmy that thing you’re sitting on is a seatbelt. If there is a sudden loss of oxygen, masks will descend from the overhead compartments and please for the love of God attend to yourselves and leave Timmy to die. No offence Timmy. We will be taking off momentarily.’
‘What did the funny voice mean?’ asked Timmy.
’He said that in the event of a crash, you’ll be proclaimed as a natural hero if you do your utmost to die.’ replied Jamsie.
’Yay!’ the rat thing squealed with happiness.
Sarah and Silent sat beside one another as the plane bean to move. She quickly grasped his hand tightly.
’Sorry, but I’ve never gotten used to take Off’s,’ she whispered.
His hand tightened around hers and he smiled, ’It’s alright, neither have I.’
The craft began to rattle and rumble as it gained speed, then it slowly moved upwards and in a flash, became weightless.
’You may now remove your seatbelts and feel free to walk about the ship,’ announced Jeevsie. ’We will arrive in approximately ten hours.’
’Now,’ began Belgor, before anyone could get up. ’Before we go, I just want you to have a look at the base’s schematics. Please turn on your computers and I’ll transfer the information soon.’
Silent flipped up his laptop and the floor plan of the plane met him. He glanced at it for a moment while he waited for Belgor. It showed that the plane carried its own restaurant with tables, a huge plasma TV. at the rear of the craft and a row of bedrooms on either side of the seats. The computer desktop then appeared and desktop icons appeared: Internet Explorer, Microsoft Word, Excel... the usual.
Sarah was doing the same, suddenly a picture flashed up and stayed on the screen.
Belgor spoke, ’This is the base, note carefully the team numbers and escape roots. Now... ’ he went on in more detail.
Jamsie meanwhile had minimized the schematics and was now watching porn.
At last, Belgor finished his lecture and practically everyone except for Jamsie, Dopeman and God got up.
Silent and Sarah went over to one of the tables in the restaurant. Silent got up to fetch the food.
‘You want anything?’ he asked her.
‘Em, well, what is there?’ she inquired, brushing her hair from her eyes and tying it into a ponytail.
He walked over to a massive construction which seemed to be the restaurant, a huge screen showed an interactive menu which he examined closely.
He called back to her, ‘Seems like they have everything, I mean, they even have roast turkey!’
‘Well, I’ll have that then, just a small bit, with roast potatoes, carrots and mashed potatoes. Oh and gravy!’ she said, ‘Can’t forget that.’
‘I wouldn’t dream of it,’ he smiled, ‘I think I’ll have the same.’
He typed in the desired meals and soon everything arrived on two plates in perfect order without a splash from a conveyor belt. A gravy jug accompanied them on a tray.
‘That is amazing,’ he mouthed and carried the food to the table.
‘Is there any wine?’ Sarah asked.
‘Yeah, sure.’ he replied, ‘Red or white?’
‘Red please,’ she smiled.
Almost instantly, the machine complied.
Silent filled the two glasses and handed one to her, smiling, ‘It’s nice to travel in style isn’t it?’
‘Do you treat all of your companions to a romantic meal like this?’ she asked him, smiling.
‘No, and an aeroplane isn’t usually what I call romantic.’
‘So, why me. Why I am so special?’ she asked him.
‘I don’t know,’ he replied. ‘Something just feels right about you.’
She held his hand across the table. ‘I know.’
Belgor was sitting at a table nearby with Johnny.
‘So, Belgor,’ began Johnny, ‘What have you got to fight with. I don’t see any guns on you?’
‘I use a variety of chemicals to attack my enemies, not that I normally take part in such engagements.’ he replied, opening his bag. ‘Although I do use this baby a lot.’
He pulled out a large hurl, wrapped in sellotape to hold it together.
‘Nice hurl,’ replied Johnny, ‘I’ve got loads of them at home.’
‘Really?’ asked Belgor, ‘Where do you live?’
‘Oh, I live in this mansion down North Jameson Avenue. I spend most of my time with greyhounds though.’
‘Ah, I see,’ said Belgor, ‘Chris Proway over there spends loads of time with greyhound racing.’
‘I know,’ replied Johnny, ‘Seen him at the track a good few times.’
Timmy sat in a corner of the plane, silently gnawing at a cracker, his eyes darting from left to right in a suspicious fashion. Meanwhile, Proway and June had started a football match in one of the massive bedrooms, about eight metres by four. The bed had, conveniently, folded into the wall, much like the beds that can be found in Japan.
Jamsie retreated into his room with a handful of playboy magazines and did not seem to want to come out.
Dopeman and God were sitting at the back two seats watching the huge cinema screen playing Pirates of the Caribbean 8: Jack Sparrow and the Old Age Pension. More commonly known as JSOAP.
Tony and Farrell were arguing over who’s pizza was bigger, with Tony eventually the victor after eating his opponents arguing piece. In the cockpit, the Godfather sat back enjoying the twenty-ninth series of the Simpsons whilst Jeevsie did all the work. Suddenly, Columbo called, pointing out the window, ’Hey, everyone it’s Iron Man!’
Everybody rushed to the windows as the superhero rushed passed and disappeared in the distance.
’Wow,’ said Silent, ’Does he still fight bad guys?’
’No,’ replied Columbo, ’He’s the mailman. Didn’t you see the Stark Industries Logo on the Post Offices. He’s running that show now.’
Sarah turned to Silent and yawned, ’Listen, I better get some sleep. When we get there’ll it’ll be straight to the fight.’
’Alright,’ he replied, ’I better get to bed too.’
She slipped into her room and shut the door, he went into the room next door.
It wasn’t long before everyone was asleep. God had relieved Jeevsie and the Godfather of piloting and Dopeman sat talking to Bob of previous adventures. It suddenly grew very quiet with no one about.
Dopeman felt the silence as eerie and unnerving. Bob suddenly stopped mid-sentence and stared at his master who nodded.
’I sense it too.’
The pair leapt up and Bob was flung hard into the darkness. Something crashed to the ground and a scythe clattered against a table.
‘Thought you could sneak up on me, eh?’ asked Dopeman, triumphantly to the corpse. ‘Bob, get the lights.’
The lights suddenly flicked on and illuminated the assailant. A large black robe filled with bones had fallen to the floor and the scythe, with a hand still attached, was lying a few metres away.
‘Ah Death,’ said Dopeman, ‘Another one off my list.’
Most of the doors had now burst open and Silent ran up to Dopeman, ‘What happened?’
‘Oh... just Death. Trying to kill me y’know.’ replied Dopeman in a casual fashion.
‘Death, you just killed Death,’ replied Silent, unsure if he had heard correctly.
‘Why yes,’ said Dopeman, ‘I believe that, with that one gone, there should be only fourteen left. The Discworld Death’s been on the run for twenty years. They’re all out to get me y’know?’
‘Right, I’m just going to forget what you just said,’ said Silent, slowly. As the others stared on with astonished faces.
Eventually, they all departed back to their beds as God entered, leaving the plane on autopilot.
‘Great!’ he exclaimed, ‘That’s another Death I’ll have to rebuild. You’ve really got to stop killing them you know?’
‘Well, only if they stop trying to kill me.’
‘You are an anomaly Dopeman, it is Death’s job to destroy such odd creations. I’ll see if I can talk to them, but Death usually doesn’t listen to me.’
‘Thanks God,’ said Dopeman, ‘A little bit of peace would be nice.’
Outside the plane, a man clung hard to the wheel. He turned slowly around and a red light emitted from his eye as he waited: Two hours before landing.